The 'Je ne sais quoi' I'm breeding
It sure is comforting to know that you are not alone.specially when you are assured that you are not the only single soul in the whole wide world to be feeling the way you do.Comforting at the same time intriguing...
It has been this way from when this academic year began,around june-july.From when i have been getting the "ha!another of those fit for nothing dreamers!!" look,when asked about "what I do".From when i have been hearing "What?You're wasting one whole year??" when i tell them i am doing language courses and other stuff, having taken a year off after my intermediate.From when i have constantly been made to feel like i didn't join any college the reason being that i was/am not fit to go to good college!!and obviously i dont expect myself to go tell every tom,mick and harry that i got through admissions at Christ's (B'lore) and Francis (Hyd) apart from standing 13 (damned number!) in the wait list of Harvard,ie, rejected, and after being given an admission in Lawrence Univ provided i increase my funds,which i didnt even consider doing.
I don't see the source for this sudden inudation of lack of direction,motivation,ambition,interest,trust,appreciation,
dedication,resolution,concentration,perseverence,discipline,
self-esteem,planning,calm,passion,'the' drive,impulse,
everything in fact to be content...
I thought i was the only one feeling so helpless and worthless.Gigantic dreams with no compass to follow.Sit about all day long doing useful nothings.Nothing socially productive.Read books if and when i feel like,solve friendly crosswords,surf the net for some god-forsaken topic (Lucifer,etymology of the word 'babooshka',eunuchs,wine making,exact pronunciation of the word-'development'[which actually is 'div-VEL-up-ment],neruda,bla bla bla),swinging in and out of wikipedia like crazy,think of doing something,think more,just think all the more and suddenly go out for a two hour walk to chacha nehru park nearby...to think of what it is that i need to be thinking passionately about...
And for the past two-three weeks this insensitivity towards most things has been driving me (us) nuts.I couldn't confide in anybody for the fear of being misread,indicating lack of trust in the person,ie,paranoia.I was under the notion that i was over reacting to nothing at all...until she came clean with it,as we were discussing something close.
We spoke about how we both go about doing charity(very religiously) every week and end up turning a blind eye to our own 'needy' people.How the passion to "do something" is fading because it has not paid off yet and also as we donot wish to be crying in the wilderness.How lack of appreciation has pinched out the urge to better ourselves.How both of us know that "who we are" is so contradictory to "who we are forced to be,and thereby end up being".How our disorganised/chaotic/vague/directionless/monotonous life is nearly driving us crazy (literally).
Why whine instead of working towards improving it? Well, that is because neither of us is sure if there is a chaos for real!!I suggested that this maniacal urge to break free be some kind of omen that we were/are missing,that is pleading to be deciphered.( yes,The Alchemist is indeed a marvelous piece of work).She pointed out to the loneliness that both of us seem to be trapped in oflate.She offered procrastination.I slipped in- lack of discipline.She blamed OCD.I jovially added MPD!!!But i believe (due to helplessness) in the fact that it is just another cheap trick played by the mind.I presume it is deliberately making us engross ourselves in highly insignificant things so that we evade "the call" that perhaps is awaiting us.And no,i have the least intentions of preaching any religious "Calling" the way Mother Teresa claimed to have received.
Nothing satisfies this urge.You don't even know what it is that you long for.But you know for the heavens that 'that something' is forever going to transform you.You just need to be unperturbed by the creepy voice that sets you in doubt by constantly chanting "you are wasting your life".You KNOW that is so untrue.But a part of you accepts that it is not all that false.You can't talk it out as you dont want the 'normally normal' people running away in disgust/fear.You know that 'this you' is not 'the you'.Still you need to hold on, cause it is all up to you to decipher that momentary 'call' that i feel is causing this inexplicable impulse to shout out to the world about the 'real you'...which still is estranged,or so it appears...
We spoke for long.I realised we weren't really world apart in this 'god-knows'what' mania.And i guess many of the 'normally abnormal' people feel the same way as well...Tricked.Caught.Confined.Caged.Played with.Misread.Ending up lost in a seemingly large network of questions which are beyond vision or reach...
It has been this way from when this academic year began,around june-july.From when i have been getting the "ha!another of those fit for nothing dreamers!!" look,when asked about "what I do".From when i have been hearing "What?You're wasting one whole year??" when i tell them i am doing language courses and other stuff, having taken a year off after my intermediate.From when i have constantly been made to feel like i didn't join any college the reason being that i was/am not fit to go to good college!!and obviously i dont expect myself to go tell every tom,mick and harry that i got through admissions at Christ's (B'lore) and Francis (Hyd) apart from standing 13 (damned number!) in the wait list of Harvard,ie, rejected, and after being given an admission in Lawrence Univ provided i increase my funds,which i didnt even consider doing.
I don't see the source for this sudden inudation of lack of direction,motivation,ambition,interest,trust,appreciation,
dedication,resolution,concentration,perseverence,discipline,
self-esteem,planning,calm,passion,'the' drive,impulse,
everything in fact to be content...
I thought i was the only one feeling so helpless and worthless.Gigantic dreams with no compass to follow.Sit about all day long doing useful nothings.Nothing socially productive.Read books if and when i feel like,solve friendly crosswords,surf the net for some god-forsaken topic (Lucifer,etymology of the word 'babooshka',eunuchs,wine making,exact pronunciation of the word-'development'[which actually is 'div-VEL-up-ment],neruda,bla bla bla),swinging in and out of wikipedia like crazy,think of doing something,think more,just think all the more and suddenly go out for a two hour walk to chacha nehru park nearby...to think of what it is that i need to be thinking passionately about...
And for the past two-three weeks this insensitivity towards most things has been driving me (us) nuts.I couldn't confide in anybody for the fear of being misread,indicating lack of trust in the person,ie,paranoia.I was under the notion that i was over reacting to nothing at all...until she came clean with it,as we were discussing something close.
We spoke about how we both go about doing charity(very religiously) every week and end up turning a blind eye to our own 'needy' people.How the passion to "do something" is fading because it has not paid off yet and also as we donot wish to be crying in the wilderness.How lack of appreciation has pinched out the urge to better ourselves.How both of us know that "who we are" is so contradictory to "who we are forced to be,and thereby end up being".How our disorganised/chaotic/vague/directionless/monotonous life is nearly driving us crazy (literally).
Why whine instead of working towards improving it? Well, that is because neither of us is sure if there is a chaos for real!!I suggested that this maniacal urge to break free be some kind of omen that we were/are missing,that is pleading to be deciphered.( yes,The Alchemist is indeed a marvelous piece of work).She pointed out to the loneliness that both of us seem to be trapped in oflate.She offered procrastination.I slipped in- lack of discipline.She blamed OCD.I jovially added MPD!!!But i believe (due to helplessness) in the fact that it is just another cheap trick played by the mind.I presume it is deliberately making us engross ourselves in highly insignificant things so that we evade "the call" that perhaps is awaiting us.And no,i have the least intentions of preaching any religious "Calling" the way Mother Teresa claimed to have received.
Nothing satisfies this urge.You don't even know what it is that you long for.But you know for the heavens that 'that something' is forever going to transform you.You just need to be unperturbed by the creepy voice that sets you in doubt by constantly chanting "you are wasting your life".You KNOW that is so untrue.But a part of you accepts that it is not all that false.You can't talk it out as you dont want the 'normally normal' people running away in disgust/fear.You know that 'this you' is not 'the you'.Still you need to hold on, cause it is all up to you to decipher that momentary 'call' that i feel is causing this inexplicable impulse to shout out to the world about the 'real you'...which still is estranged,or so it appears...
We spoke for long.I realised we weren't really world apart in this 'god-knows'what' mania.And i guess many of the 'normally abnormal' people feel the same way as well...Tricked.Caught.Confined.Caged.Played with.Misread.Ending up lost in a seemingly large network of questions which are beyond vision or reach...
6 Comments:
You can do two things.
Go to Osmania University. Exactly opposite the arts college, on the other side of the road, a few yards off the road, in between dry trees, there should be a tea stall popularly called 'Akbar Point'. Have a tea there and continue ahead. Walk about 60 yards southwest from there and you will find a bench. Just when you begin to wonder what is so special about the bench, you realise (that I told you) that there is nothing special! Only that it bears a rather 'useless' bloke, sleeping on it all day, facing the other side, singing "Digulu padakura sahodara" song from Prema Lekha, trying to imitate Vandemataram Srinivas. Just shake him up, offer him some chai and tell him that 'You' (I mean you, OK?)are wasting your life off. You would receive a piercing look from and disconcerting but confident smile. Try to understand the meaning of it and make him a friend.
or
Waste your life off wondering, enlisting every which way you are wasting your life off.
abe O! do u realise u cant confuse someone who who has no fuse??
As for you kiddo, I think you have the liberty to spend a year as you like. I know the lack of purpose defeats the sternest of the minds. But something good always comes out of the brain that goes through such a phase. It just needs that right amout of suffering.
vollammo!!that was interestingly AT-YOUR-FACE dear mr.one-who-has-understood-the-smile-of-the-bloke-on-the-bench...should be someone like sr.rajnikanth in muthu...
"anthaa maayaa...hahaha!!(with an enlightened version of cynicism kind of tone to it)...
and yea thanks kedar (for both the comments)...i remember "the more pain you inflict on yourself the sooner you'll come out of it"...
hey wats wikipedia?didnt even find it on dictionary.com man!
i get wat u saying in this piece of urs...jus enjoy ur time while it lasts, u r goin to get busy with the routine that "normally normal " people have, very soon..
love u
pray not,pray not,puhleeez!!!if you knew what "normally normal" ppl do out here,ahem,you would be in excruciating agony now for havin said that to me!!anyways...wikipedia is my new found love(newly ok'ed love!!)...thats wiki+encyclopedia for you!!an online encyclopedia.
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