'Thought'ful Mating

Growing up...

2011-10-08T15:51:00.002+05:30

Helpless, they fall

as did I,

but now-

in all my numbness

there lies

a certain silence

born of omniscience-

a tacit reconnaissance

that knows,

wants and trusts,

yearns for and

seeks none...

but you.

Do me a favour

and do them justice

for they still gather

in ready submission,

in eager admission

of what they've always

known, wanted, sought.

Won't you fight

just for love

as I love fighting

these sorry tears?

Off with The Head.

2011-05-04T20:52:00.004+05:30

A fearless, seem-less, all-encompassing desire;

a religious urge, a maternal need-

an indigestible craving

to renounce, reach,

surge, seek,

fumble and gasp and shriek,

falter and sigh and wail...

and FALL....

and let go...

and fly,

across the eyes of time- drift,

through nothingness-sift,

and merge

into the vast dot of exclusion...

to be there, where

sense, reason, logic and

the putrid achievements

of the head

are dead

and wrapped along the coast

of exploding Joy

of self-inclusion.

The only infallible euphoria- Me.

Per-verse

2011-05-01T21:42:00.002+05:30

The beauty of being...

Each moment, with Life

and seeing

the myriad pastures,

the raging wild raptures

of this mad mad dance-

of this calming estate

of chaos and idyll.

Knowing little,

gathering much

with no end as such;

Enter and Exit

this nonchalant nonsense-

this Pit

of limitless pretense.

Blame me, would you

for this lavish lust

for this tricky trust

I attach so

To this rotten rust

of love and disgust?

I me detach.

Congrats Karthik! :-)

2010-05-30T22:56:00.003+05:30

It doesn't seem so long ago that Karthik, Gani, Ramesh anna, Sulaksh, Suji, Adi and I played silly card games like 'Joker' and 'Go Fish', sitting in Bala mama's front room all- crammed up and unaware of life's myriad troubles! I am kind of happy choked as i read the mail today announcing karthik's engagement and wedding. Wrote to him immediately about how happy I am for him, and how indigestible it is that we have all grown up so fast! Strange... I remember how in inter 1st year civics sir (Sridhar) had once said something nasty to me, and when I wrote to Karthik about it (We were in touch over mails regularly around that time...those were good times when I was more social with family and less social otherwise!) he promptly wrote to me saying if it happened again, he would beat him up black and blue... :-) awwww... I guess I just need some ventilation, coz it actually is so unbelievable for me that people I always regarded as part of MY environment, are going ahead to claim their own grown-up identities... It is a very interesting concept in my head, I just am in no mood to elaborate on that coz I feel good/sad... yes, it can happen.

Well, all said and done- I am happy (very much so) for my bro... virtual hugs for making me realise we ain't kids anymore-cracking and laughing at 'fart jokes' (I still do sometimes...can't help laughing!)... Life... the beautiful bitch! I love her! muah!

School Zone- going real fast!!!!

2010-05-28T21:19:00.002+05:30

Oh! Well… The not-so-circular circle of life!!! It was not so long ago that I was the youngest member of the class in every thing (other than academics) that I did, and now as life has it, I am teaching kids that are younger than half my age- making me the oldest young person they know! No me gusta, but the kids… Oh!mon!dieu!are-you-bloody-bonkers!!! I could bundle all of them up in a sleepingbag and keep them for myself for life- except- they are not going to reamin as cute for too long, so… back to square one- just teach them and scram!

Let’s see…I won’t even go as far as recounting my experience from day 1, coz then I will end up giving a whole new dimension to the word ‘patience’. I believe one single day’s experiences would summarise the journey just as well...

Raveena, 10 yrs : “Mam, have you ever been to America?” “No…Why do you ask…?” “umm…You remind me of America! You smell like how all the Indian American houses smell…It is kind of musky…Kind of sweet…Kind of spicy…You smell really good, but you remind me of my old house..” “…….. the other day Rishika accidentally calls me ‘Dad’ and now I smell like a house…wow! …..” gigglegigglegiggle……..

Choi, 10 yrs : “Mam! If that inspection woman come, I will kick her very hard and tell her you are a very good teacher…and I will tell her I have to run to the bathroom… that way she understands how good you are plus I don’t get scolded” ::BIGGGGRINNN::

“Aashna, 6 yrs: (the beautiful beautiful 3ft non-stop machine)“Ms.Divya, you are soooooo good at art, you should be our art teacher, because or art teacher is so boring, she can’t even draw half the patterns that you draw but she gives us so much instructions like she is the perfect artist ever…No one can be perfect in art, right Ms.Divya? She thinks she is, I don’t like her…Can you be our speyanish teacher, and our art teacher, and also our class teacher! It would be so cool to have you around all day! You don’t give us as many worksheets, you don’t write notes to our parents, you let us play in the class and best of all you let our colour…I don’t eevn like spanish actually, but now I like it, because I get to do so much fun stuff with you!!!” (Just then, from across the corridor, the french kids run amock, as clemence decides to let them go 10 mins in advance…” “Ms.Divya, can we go? Ohhh!!! The french are so lucky!! They come late to class, and they get to leave tem minutes early! I wish I were in french…awwww…please Ms.Divya…can we go???”

Afaan, 9 yrs: “mam, aap muslim ho jaao…waise bhi ittha accha hindi borrey aap…muslim ho gaye tho aur accha rehta…” “Hindi accha baat kare tho muslim ho jana ji? Kaiku aisa?” “Jannat k u jaate aap… kuch bhi nahi hai…qaali aap naam change karlo, phir Monday ku mai ek dua laake detum, who padliye tho aap jannat ku jaate…” “………………… .. … ………. Sure!”

Gemma, 7 yrs: “Mam! Come closer, I have a secret to tell ya! Do you know why Aashna is so silent today? Yash (6 yrs)’s brother Niel (3 yrs) told Aashna(6 yrs) today that he wants to marry her!! Aashna is not talking to him from then! She is so confused because he is so much younger than her! I told her it’s ok, but she likes him too, except that he is way to young for her! Don’t tell her I told ya…she confided in me, but I like you so I told you”

Ishita, Eshita, Sally, Nishita, Koumudhi, 8,9 yrs: Mam!!!! You have such long nails!!! So Pretty! "Can we touch them?" "Are they real?" "My mom's nails are so brittle, she wears extensions, but these are real!!!" "mam! Can you wear green nailpolish tomorrow?" "No, she has green on her feet now, Wear yellow mam!" "Oh my gosh! Koumudhi check these out!!!" "MAM!!! Your toe nails are soooooo long!!! You can just stab a man with your nail!!" "Mam, please let us touch it...they are so soft........" I swear by god, the 5 girls were in sashtanga namaskar position by my long-toe-nailed-feet, and were taking turns touching the nails....

OH! and did I tell you I let the kids do what they naturally want to do? Inquire... (Because there's no point resisting, they will do it anyways.... I am loving it and i have every intention to love it as long as it lasts, ie, 3 more days :-( :-( :-( thank god for the opportunity though! ;-P )

2010-02-21T00:21:00.000+05:30

What goes around comes around.

And that's what rules the world...atleast my world!

2010-02-21T00:13:00.003+05:30

I frown. I sting.

Don't hate me yet!

The smiles I bring,

how you forget!

Hold me for now

I too am flawed...

Don't raise that brow;

do spare the rod!

Too sweet ain't me-

I need to bite.

I am but me-

Not black. Not white.

Frankenstein effect

2009-08-20T21:51:00.002+05:30

I play host to a breathlessness unknown

where days are electric-nights forlorn

I drown in a desert that quenches my thirst

My desert of choices. My bubble shall burst.

facing the truth.?!

2009-08-18T14:31:00.004+05:30

Fun is when you learn

that beneath all these layers

of emotion and jazz

of all these years and moments

of life, numbness and the rest;

and all the pain, joy and the drill-

There is....naught.

but death.

Just death-nothing angelic

or diabolical

no expression or extension

of anything familiar.

Just a clean stop

of it all.

Just death.

(muhahahaha!!!what fun that should be!)

Another point of view

2009-08-10T22:25:00.003+05:30

Point to point.
Road to road.
All is joint-
connected in code
There is the fire;
but no flame.
Faces to hire
Why be in shame?
Wordless expression
of love-hate state.
needless redemption of
created fate.
No space or requirement
for endless tales
of love and commitment
when trust-it fails
in the institution
of permanence, (when)
without inhibition
or pretence
we can be unloyal
and beyond rules-
creating new 'morals'
for promiscuous fools.

deathly dreams

2009-05-02T19:42:00.003+05:30

Dreams- suggest rampage
i dream but of destruction
of indecent negation of smiles
of insensitive breach of norm
of immature fights with peace
I dream of unspeakable violence
that kills all pretence
that mutes the biggest truth
that strangles even time
I dream of that notorious knight
who but dreams of me
who would slay every dreamer
who dares to dream of me
I dream of blood and war-
where sense bleeds to numbness
where solitude is off ,at war
where all is frozen and farce
i dream that sleep,it dies
for my dreams are only truth
that cannot afford truth
and so i only dream
to save the truth in them
to guard the beauty in them
and to keep me awake and alive...

i dream, and dream and dream
i wake up to my scream
My truth it dies in sleep
and beauty wails and weeps.

Back to The Forest

2009-04-20T01:05:00.002+05:30

I leave today to live in a forest community for a year (as of now). No. It is not an attempt at running away from "my life". I do not intend to cause any suspicion among jobless minds with this decision of mine, and so do not take the pain of wondering why i do this.

It is not any kind of psycho aashram that i have joined.

It is not a rave party hide out hub whatever place.

It is not a free life (free booze, free love, free dope, ) place.

It is not a place where wanna-be'ish kids go to make others feel small.

It is definitely not a place with no values or goals. (come to think of it, it is one place that has some objective!)
what it is, is a forest community. i wont try and dissect it to tiny pieces, lest u forget the holistic view. It is a place that believes in afforestation, community living and many such things which are of nobody's concern today. If you are smirking to yourself at your well paid desk sucking job, im sorry for you! I know my life will have those days too, but atleast i do not wish to start my life doing things i absolutely abhor. i was given the chance of being associated with this project, and rest assured i took it with all my heart and mind. My soul is too fickle to be dedicated to any one thing in life, and so i shall say that a part of my soul is happy about this too!
April 20, i leave to the forest that is about 15 kms from pondi. I plan to live there, doing what we do, eating what we eat, living how we live for a year. I do intend to blog more often than i have been in the recent past, but i am not sure if i will have access. I leave behind things and people, situations and encounters that give me no reason to be happy about leaving them. But i go only because i chose to, and i want to. I hope the forest teaches me ME and brings to life those sides of me that have only breathed in the darkness of my soul, lest they be misjudged! I wish you all well. hugs! :-)
"May there be many more forests to grow people."

when life whispered...

2009-04-14T23:16:00.002+05:30

I'm too "your's ", too soon,
I'm "your's too", although...
I'm too close to soon,
Not be your's as well!

And then I smile...

2009-04-10T22:22:00.002+05:30

Behold! A new dawn in my life!
Oh! What a View! Oh! What a Sight!
Ne'er has this feeling seen me 'fore;
Ne'er have I been in such a flight.
Oh! What, I wonder, is in store!
My smiles they soar, with (the) cheering rays;
My heart it knows a language new!
In this new day, there is no guard;
With this new dawn, come fears few.
This day is mine, and of the Bard!
With dawn comes dusk, which will but dawn,
with newer rays and eager birds!
I feel the language of my heart, (will)
with every meet, learn newer words...
I'm glad this day did make a start!
The way is new, direction is naught-
for, (the) rays that come my way, but hide;
to hit me then when clouds-they jeer...
And thunders hit, and wake the Tide,
The rays they lift my mood.They cheer...
My smiles they soar, with (these) cheering rays!
My heart it loves this language new!
In this new day, there is the Bard.
With this new dawn come frowns so few!
This day is mine! I have no guard!
;-)

In the eyes of eternity

2009-04-07T16:21:00.002+05:30

The batting of a thousand 'lashes proclaim

the birth of a tear drop... dying

a sad death, holding in its heart

an ocean of pain, anguish and despair, for-

We are away, we are far

That distance dances ahead of us

for what seems like aeons, and

when it has fallen- the tear, i know

you will be here.

To kill the birth of another...

A Leaf from the Zenith

2009-04-06T05:14:00.004+05:30

Of what benefit to me is This-
that I know is of no consequence?
Of what kind is this new Bliss,
that fills me with a promise intense!

In what garb does It appear,
and how true It is-who knows!?
There is but joy, not one fear;
Certainty in big lights-glows!

And eternal alliance of thoughts that merge.
And aware situation of unknown smiles.
A ready surrender to a deathly roar.
No fingers to raise. No accuses to face.

An aesthetic eye for a beautiful soul.
An absolute hedonistic drive as the end.
A powerful attempt at defying the "set".
No lust for pain.No ends to the pleasure.

I enter the Abyss, and I fall and I fall.
I enter the Zenith and I crawl and I crawl.

here and there...this and that..

2009-04-05T00:24:00.003+05:30

stuff that i have "scribbled" in books, train tickets, phone bills, and what have you's over
the past months only to compile here! some are random, some inspired, some empathetic,
some accusative, some meant only for that moment, and some being just me-honest.

Demons are the idols
& ideals are long gone,
is this the time and place where,
oh god! i was to be born!
--------------------------------------
If promiscuity is so cool
why do we shun the whores?
why need i guard the keys when,
there are no moral doors?
---------------------------------------
he who can risk it all
and speak for what is true
shan't ever fear his fall
but look towards horizons new
---------------------------------------
he who finds his way
to the heart of issues bold
shall find his happy day
sooner than he is told!
---------------------------------------
"Nature has placed mankind under the governance of two sovereign Masters- Pain and
Pleasure." -Jeremy 'The Utilitarian' Bentham
wtf!!! wahwah! i lovvvvve it!!!!
-----------------------------------------
Loss... is just an emotion away... a gesture away... what was whole can shred itself to
unstitchable tatters in just the space of an emotion-right or wrong, deserved or not.
Change is the only companion i'll have. and in it, i see constant assurance. I change, as do
my views, my opinions, my emotions, friends, beliefs, principles, my soul, my body, my
moods, my goals, my fantasies, my desires, my plans, my path, my purpose, my days my
nights,, my perspective, my all. I change. And my opinion about you changes, so you
change. And given that you change anyways, my opinion about the new you changes, and
change just keeps outdoing itself shamelessly, purposely.
All will change
all Will shall go
Gone will be All
When Change-it Wills.
Why stop it at all?
Don't even try
for the 'try' will triumph
when Change-it wills.
Don't dare or care
attaching depth
to Life or in Lives
for change they will.
And when all it wills
is to change, stay put!
For in Its change
is your all and more.
Life changes All
All changes will
butmake a life.
Life makes you live
through the changes it wills.
Life may change will
to give you all
you may not ask
but change you too will!
And what you will
changes as well!
Oh! Change is life's all!
and Life's will shall change!
And that's how you live!
wrote it on a particularly dramatically melancholic day. Possibly an isolated event in my
life, and hence the redundent sweetness of words!!lol!
------------------------------------------
i keep my own as my own
and seek my own in few
when time comes for me to choose
will Life then treat me wrong?
-------------------------------------------
Nothing empowers me with as much strength of character as does the process of choosing
between a much needed selfishness and an expected selflessness...
-------------------------------------------
You either need a Friend, or clarity of thought.
-------------------------------------------

fresh water spider dream-ultimate

2008-11-26T16:08:00.004+05:30

I throw an open challenge at all the dream analysts (!!) there are around. Interpret this for dreams, i say! It is a serious offence for people to either smirk, giggle, chuckle, chuggle, or gickle at this post. It is by far one of my favourite and most popular dreams (to narrate). Amen.
I am a famous marine wildlife restoration scientist (..??..), whose base is the notorious maturu (name of the apartments i live in!!) islands, some hundred kilometers off the coast of nowhereland, near the amazon basin. I have many many awards to my credit that line the compound walls of my house (...??...). I live alone not just in my house, but also on the entire island(..me??alone???heehee!..shhh...go on...) for almost two years now,there has been just one thing on the minds of marine wildlife restoration scientists across the globe- saving the last sample of the ultra and uber rare species of the great "FRESH WATER SPIDER" that went missing a few years ago under unexplained circumstances from the under water laboratories of the MWRS. I took it as the ultimate calling, to bring back unto the world the glory of reviving the sagas of the fresh water spider species. Hence i moved to the Maturu islands two years ago, assured that the conditions in the island (...whatever that means) were but perfect for the survival of the F.W.Spider.
Day in and day out my radio signals only translated to "Any luck today doctor??have we revived the FWS yet??", and despite each passing day my reply to Houston (Ahem...the head quarters of the MWRSL) reamined the same- "I won't leave till I find it, and I know I will someday get the FWS back to secure conditions..."
For hours together I would just sit there in the middle of the wild jungles of the amazon basins, off the coast of Maturu with my fish net cast an my MP3 player on..(..??..) Not for one moment was i overcome by pragmaticism(isnt that what it is...??) to realise that my life was worth so much more than wasting it in the middle of nowhere(land), looking for a marine creature that ize of a ping-pong ball, transpatent head to toe with absolutely no reason to live, since it was the last of its kind. I returned home only to return next day to return home to return next day and so on...
One day a team of Argentenian (YUMM!!) scientists dropped by (..??..) to say hello and to make sure i was breathing still... I took them for a boat ride and acquainted them with my routine, which to them seemed super exciting. Since there is absolutely no life in the waters of the Maturu islands, it came as a surprise to me suddenly, that there was a twig that was moving along side our boat. Ever optimistic that I am, I quickly get my camera and set it rolling, while reaching out to the jar that is kept at the far end of the boat in anticipation of housing a transparent spider someday. The transparent F.W.Spider. I guess it was the thumping on the boat which make it rock, causing imbalance around;by the time i got the jar to my seat, i found the twig had disappeared. Intrigued, hopeful and disappointed we all get back home.
After some sexy argentinian wine (..??..) we all retire to our rooms, where i play the recordings of my cam on the big screen (drive in types) in my room. The twig was not just moving, it was swimming. It was actually moving five other similar twigs from within the water in a manner similar to that of a swimmer trying the breast stroke in a pool. What i thought was a bubble in the water was actually the bulbous body of that what we were searching for day and night, that lonesome single piece creature which defied all logic to be the Fresh Water Spider!!!!! I found it!!!!!Eureka!!!! It was impossible for me to venture out in the dark since the "no-life-on-maturu" tag scared the daylights out of me, as it implied the possibility of spirits making the rounds...
I waited until dawn to runnnnn into the waters (well...let my boat do that is what i mean) and rescue the little bulbous FWS and plop it into the jar. By the time i get the boat out of the garage (yes. Boat.out.of.the.garage.) i notice that the kayak is missing. The motor kayak(it's ok...read on...) which seats two is missing from the garage, which can only imply that the (yumm) argentinian scientists decided to take a last look at the wild before they returned to civilisation. Funnily i also notice the jar in which the FWS was supposed to be finally plopped was also missing from my motor boat. I retrieve my ziplock from my khaki shorts and and smirk at the fact that i knew better! I quickly get the motor wrooming and steer off to the same locales as that of yesterday's trip. Since FWS's cant swim faster than 1kmph, i knew for sure that i was going to spot it as it had only been a few hours that i had last seen it. The fact that it's vision is totally shut off at nights also makes it impossible for it t swim at night. I now was more resolute than ever that i WAS GOING to win the Nobel for my contribution to MWR sciences. My excitement was growing by the minute. I decide to take to the east after carefully covering the west, when my eyes fell on the jar carefully placed in the centre of the kayak, driven by one of the two (yumm) argentinian scientists. It was yet to be plopped, but i could not register their motives yet. And then i see it lying in front of me. The newspaper. Their faces on the front page of the newspaper which read that "Two Argentinian Marine Wildlife Mafia Dons head to Maturu after spotting the FWS via satellite". I read it and re-read it and re-re-read it. I wasnt going to let them win. I was going to deliver the Nobel speech which i rehearsed everyday with my MP3 like a mad dog! I was going to plop the jar with FWS. I was going to make up for the two years of dumb life on that dumb island looking for that dumb creature. and then....and then i kept my ziplock ready cause now we were both equidistant from the creature that could change the lives of both parties involved. The motor kayak was surprisingly fast given that it was a sunny day, as it derived power for speeding, from the sun. But nothin was going to keep me from winning my destiny this time. I light up the neon gas cylinder (yeayea..read on...i told you it's a dream!) aka dhoom style, and the boat zipped through water like no imagination (but for mine) would imagine. I grab the creaturely delicately (oxy'moronic!!) and smile coz it still plopped in the ziplock! I took a deep breath and cast the net one last time into the waters of the Maturu islands. I knew that the kayak's propellers (...heeheehee..) would not tolerate anything in its way and that something as irritating as a net would agitate it further, and make it release the downward propeller which makes it sink the kayak in no time. I put all my strength in casting the net as far as possible, and that done, i zipped past the tiny waves to return to the land and secure the FWS in the mini underwater lab. I stepped into the house and locked myself up, and watched from the window the kayak sinking in devil's pace. I smiled but sadly coz they were but two yumm argentinians, if not scientists. I ran downstairs in no time, scared to death that the FWS would suffocate, as its average land survival time was only 5 minutes. I quickly opened the meshed cage that was kept for the FWS, and dived into the UWL to hook it to the eiling of the lab. I fumbled, but i nailed it. I hooked it. i did it!!!! Somewhere i thought i saw two yumm things drown for all their nasty satanic plottings.
I finally gave houston what they wanted to listen, after two long years of monotonous answers. I returned to civilisation a day before i was to deliver the speech i had been practicing with my MP3 for two lonely, long years. I won the Nobel. But most importantly, i gave life to what was almost dead for eternity. I no longer believe the Fresh Water Spider to be a dumb creature that has no reason to live. It now has a family after the MWRS labs cloned it and mated them both(!!!>>>>!!!!!!>>>!!!).

why Wordsworth is Wordsworth.

2008-11-06T16:58:00.000+05:30

It's a pity that someone who creates such beauty with ordinary words, and anyone else who produces consecutive lines of supposed rhyme, both fall under the same category of a 'poet'.May be this is where articles come in handy, to make the former "THE POET" and everyone else just "A POET". Amen.

Taste this.

Serene will be our days and bright,
and happy will our nature be,
when Love is an unerring light,
and joy its own security.
-An Ode to Duty.

i amnt even going to attempt articulating the joy i feel, eachtime i read something as simply beautiful as that. Least said, it is almost life-inducing.

frustra'shun!!!

2008-10-31T17:14:00.000+05:30

Validation of my existence
stems not from your acceptance
of my virtues and flaws.
I AM BEYOND YOUR MYOPIC LENS.

WILL Power

2008-10-22T15:32:00.001+05:30

For quite a while now, for no reason whatsoever, i have been wanting to write a will. And before i am accused of great possessions, i would like to clarify that the will that i have dreamed of, and which i have written will not in all its totality come upto more than Rs.5000, if the cost need be estimated. I have never appreciated abrupt endings, and for me to leave my life abruptly will be such a disgrace to my principles. Just so i have not made myself clear, I HATE ABRUPT PARTINGS/ENDINGS/CONVERSATIONS AND ANYTHING ABRUPT.
My will is an attempt to repay in kind, to all those people i don't mind, all those people whose love to me has been blind, to all those who to me have been kind, and all those souls who in me a friend did find. Talk about pay back time! As for the tacky rhyme, whatever! I do understand it sucks, but after all I have left a will, you surely can bear with that much tackiness now, can't you!
So, as of now it has stuff for you Mr.traveller at heart who is stuck at the desk, Ms.Wisdom personified, Ms. turn-trip-fall-and-break, Mr.Man of culture,Ms.make-up-chic, Ms.Caught up in love, and to my parents. If you feel you can look past the stupid crypto and understand which one is you, feel free to call on my cell, or get in touch with anyone who you think can guide you to my place and claim what i have left in all magnanimity for you. Let us remember that all this shall happen if and when the situation arises for the validation of the Will,ie, an abrubt end.mine.
It is funny that most people think about leaving something for someone and never realise how they could be gone at any given hour, due to any reason,no matter where! I amnt being pessimistic nor aka sylvia plath,trying to glorify death and await it with open arms! My *** i'm gonna do that! It is just as a precaution, that i defy my theory of my eternal existence, which again is yet to be proven wrong. I do plan to munch, ruminate and come up with more people in my list. I am not very sure if i have let myself make more than the half a dozen or dozen (at the max) friends that i now have. I don't know. I cannot predict myself if i will add more people.
But as for the existing Will, i leave it with someone who i trust, and love like you could never imagine. If shit happens, you can call him or on my number. Rest assured, if you are on my list, you can come home and collect what's "will"fully yours.
I hereby declare my will be valid if and when shit happens, or until my next birthday, the occurence of whichever is first. On the eve of my 22 birthday, i will update/upgrade my will, making allowances for better give-aways perhaps ;-P
DISCLAIMER:The decision of making a will should not, under any circumstances, be taken as an allusion to some wierd spooky freak instinct. I have always wanted to make one and i have made one now. Period. No strings attached.

AFTERMOON

2008-08-22T23:47:00.000+05:30

Thoughts link, even as I blink, and deeper I sink…
This, for me, is life- It’s when I sit to think
of all the trivial wonders that you observe not!
And these thoughts have to me, a Divine Moment brought.

Ever wondered what he thinks of-the Moon high up there?
Or who he regards as friends, or sleeps he where?
‘ve you heard him sing the lullaby, or felt his eerie calm?
Or ever tried to see him, in the lines of your palm?

He tricks me, when I’m alone, into his queer ways;
He conquers my loneliness and in my dealings stays!
Yet there are times when he, in me, has induced the fear
that one has when to death, they are so near.

There are secrets that we share and stories that he tells me;
So many different ones, each day he’s made to see!
He sees them all from up there, no matter how discreet;
And then he tells me your tales, at night when we meet.

Too bad he talks to you not, but have you ever tried?
Perhaps you are just so full, of reason and of pride!
Or you too would have heard them-his lullaby and his tales;
Too bad you aren’t on the same ship, in which this poet sails!

Wordly Collision!

2008-07-22T17:17:00.003+05:30

It is an unknown emotion I feel
and this moment i choose to steal
to write about this vice in me
which I presume shall never heal

It is a growing sense of restlessness
that sets in me,now breathlessness
takes over me,I'm drowning fast
in this state of sheer happiness

A quagmire it is,this block of thought-
It chokes me.And my senses,they clot
when a riot of ideas in me explodes
what runs inside me, i can convey not.

Expression fails me and words they hide,
eloquence is killed by this monstrous Tide
perhaps it is the greatest of pains
when ideas they hit you,but your senses collide!

How many such Thoughts in a day do i feel!
And how many of them do i choose to steal
to capture in words the beauty of the Thought?
The pain of losing these shall never heal.

Yet,the very thought of being struck by a Thought
sets my heart racing and my senses-they clot!
The emotion is unknown,but the joy is divine.
The Feeling so priceless-you may gather not!

The Feeling that comes when words from you hide,
yet you rise with eloquence, from the deadly Tide
that stopped you from capturing the moment in rhyme;
the Thought could have been lost! Thank God words collide!

life is calling...

2008-07-05T23:00:00.003+05:30

how long does it take to reach sunset?
how deep is ocean's bed?
is moon farther than just a look?
are mountains wilder than death?

why do i always ask of these?
cant i just follow the breeze?
i know this me is just not me,
so why dont i just set sail?

the eerie epics of the stars are yet
untold and unperceived
and in the lap of the wilderness
i shall but translate these.

the treasured tales that lie beneath
the golden sands of time
i wish to but read each grain in it
and smile for i've learnt it all.

the promise of life that still is sung
on the other side of the mount
i shall bring back and sing to you,
when i reclaim my life.

the wandering waters that for me
script the secrets of the world,
await me with arms stretched out,
oh!why am i still here!

If ever there be a truer dream
than this dream of mine
i hope that dream i answered now,
for fate acts quicker than time.

nada...

2008-06-10T23:20:00.003+05:30

Nada called me an hour ago and said she is getting married this 14th,ie,14.06.08. we spoke almost ("spoke" spoke) after a year and this is what she tells me!!! she calls me 5 days before her wedding and announces it like i had 6 months time in hand to be happy for her! I sure was pissed,but when she told me that she's been trying to call me for ages,i had to shut up. my phone does cause me a lot of chagrin! Its such a pity i won't be here for her wedding. Im leaving to chennai tomorrow to attend Sindhu akka's wedding, which in its own way is important, but missing Nada's wedding is like...i donno!It like missing something you have been waiting to see happen for years and not being there when it FINALLY happens!!! have you any idea how that feels??I do...now...and its so bloody painful!I donnno...maybe its partially coz we were such good friends that no matter how far we have moved over the years some memories never fade. And the fun you experienced then comes right back to life at the very thought of that person! I have had immensely memorable moments with Nada. And she and I know how sure we were of our amity then,but we were proven wrong shortly after that!Nonetheless, now that she is FINALLY getting married to the same guy she has been dreaming of since she learnt to "dream", i guess all i can do is add her to the list of people that i wish well from the bottom of my heart! She was anyways a part of it, except that i had to be reminded of it. I wish she knows i am absolutely proud of her and i am so so so very happy for her. I know she and irfan are in for a lifetime of happiness. I wish her every happiness she has been craving for since i met her and i know her demands have not changed much! We have seen some of the most sweetest days of my life together. We may not be the same people that we once were but what we were to eachother, we still are and will always be-friends in need. I feel overwhelmed write now. perhaps i should have written a more organised post,but this is not a post as such!it is one of those precious moments you wanna capture before all the trivia in life take charge again, and under such pressure you can't afford clarity of thout-the purity of expression compensates for it.
Nada, unintentionally you have taught me quite a few things in life and one of them is sure the need to respect youself and to stand up for yourself. I know you live by it to the T and i have always admired you for that. You are an amazing soul despite all your superficial arien dominance. I swear by god i am bloody happy for you and if only my happiness could be converted into blessings for your happiness, there wouldn't be a single moment of sorrow in your marriage. And you need no blessings in this regard,for i am sure you are in for eternal joy. I love you guys and as i always say, "for you to be in love with someone you should be worth him/her".
his love is worth the fun person that you are and you are totally worth the sweet thing that he is. I am totally ok with your marriage. kubool kubool kubool!!!
mwah!!!wishing you all the joy in the world coz you are worth nothin less...congrats gal!!

My angels...

2008-06-01T22:37:00.003+05:30

I dont claim to be inhumanly good, i never have been. But i know i try to be honest to myself as much as possible and if i see reason in whatever i do, i think it makes whatever i do generally acceptable. Having said that, i shall drift to the actual topic-my quirks. I, like you and everybody else breathing and alive, have my set of quirks. One of the many happens to be my habit of liking or disliking someone from the word go. And as many of my friends would agree, this instinct/habit/randomness, call it what you will, turns out to be true in 99% of the cases. As in, if my instinct tells me someone aint right for me (to befriend) somewhere in the journey of togetherness and life, the person does turn out to be WRONG!!! And if my instinct says someone is a sweetypie and is gonna stick around for life, it has been so (if 21 years is life enough). And this post is dedicated to those people, who have been approved by my instinct(the quirk) and by life and its ups and downs. I shall refrain from using names in order to let the magic prevail. If you know its you, love me more! ;-P

Despite the ready approval by my quirk, i chose to be icy to her initially. perhaps i was not ready for "a friend" as of then (i'm still so). I think few ppl are made for friends and few aren't. I choose to believe i am not the 'friend' material. There's little wonder when two ppl of the 'friends' material click, but when someone as blaaaa as me finds a 'friend' in someone as original as her, it slaps me hard on the face to strip me off my inhibitions and to be the friend that i never have been ! She is the epitome of what i would call "a perfect human being". She celebrates her being, uses her virtues and respects her flaws. She lives life like you and i can never do-by teasing it at every step. Her simplicity puts all gold to shame and that makes her personality the most priceless thing ever. We don't exchange talks everyday, but that is not reason enough to deny the fact that we care for and about each other.There are about a dozen ppl that i love, respect and admire so much, that it just chokes me to see that i can't express it. She is one of them for sure. I pray to life, to make her trip on earth just the way she wants it to be, and im sure she does not wish for an easy, eventless life. I wish she knows how much i treasure her existence and that her presence in my life makes me feel so good about myself. Understand that i will be there whenever, wherever, or whatever you need me.

I am pretty sure that the person who i refer to here will never guess it's him, but then none can either!For he and I were never , atleast so far have never been so close as to come clean with quirky revelations of this sort. We met through someone(btw,i've made most of my friends through someone!!), and now we are "friend"ly enough for me to be secretly wishing only the best in life for him. As it has always been, he too is quite old to be a "friend", but then age in his case atleast is just a number, for he and i think pretty much alike, share certain very very similar ambitions and hold spookily similar theories in life. If you know its you, understand that i really cherish your amity, much that we aren't the most friendliest friends the world has witnessed. The topics we have discussed spread across the skies, go deep into the oceans and swirl away into the wonderlands, and i cherish every observation you have made in each one of those topics. Again, someone so simple yet so powerfully individual(doesnt sound correct, but it is..no??), it puts me to shame that i cannot afford so much individuality. I look upto you like you never can guess, and i hope,pray,wish and beg of life to give you a "partner" in whom you will find answers to all your curious questions, wonderful yet incomplete theories and those haunting moments of "who-am-i" ness. I hope we remain just as friendly as we now are-not more,not less.

She is as clumsy as clumsy can get. Infact she is clumsier than the word itself communicates. She trips, falls, drops, breaks, chokes, throws,misses, and does everything that one would associate with disaster. She is a bundle of mistakes,wrapped in fun, rolled in carelessness, smothered with absentmindedness, painted with kiddishness and ribboned with the costliest form of adorability (??) you can find. She is the only human i have seen who makes ppl fall in love with her, through her clumsiness. She is at once murderably wrong, and sinfully adorable. She still has a long way to go to be the person that she is. I can see her like she cannot see herself and i know that she's is a wonderful soul. I just wwish she respected herself as much as she deserves to be, but then again, she will learn. I love you like you already know, but it only grows with every passing year. The more i know her, the more she does to make me realise that life is not always about doing the right things to fetch you heaven, its also about bringing heaven down to earth by doing the right things (the wrong way sometimes !!!) I can't wait to see how her kids are gonna be, and how she's gonna teach them to hold a crystal tray without dropping it herself!muah!u rock!

This guy can be so rude you might wanna throw the fork right through his chest. Serious. He can be downright harsh. I can remember aleast three occasions when i have had about 3 ppl attending to me as i was crying at his rude remarks-but the bottomline is he is a sweetheart. I know he knows it is him, but then i also know he aint the blogging kinds! He cracks dumb jokes and laughs victoriously (alone), makes the weaklings thebutt of all jokes and mercilessly puts them through tears yet he remains one of the most sought after "friend" in times of crisis. He dances reeeeallly well, is prettttty goodlooking i must say and has his own set of virtues that i refrein from listing lest my admiration is taken for submission.i know you know i value you friendship like crazy, partially coz you are a wonderful person no matter what and partially for binging me in touch with thebest part of my life. you know i can never thank you enough for what you did unintentionally, and eachtime i sit to appreciate my life along with the people in it, you enter into the scene invariable! I wish you and her the best in life and i will be there through the not-so-utopic ride of life.
For starters i think this should do, lest you lose interest and do injustice to those whose stories are to follow!there are atleast three more ppl i can readily think of who are to be listed, but for their own good i will save them their share of fame for later. But dont you worry. I love you all the same. And with this rather mushy post, i will also like to convey to all those ppl who know i hate them , that i REALLY DO HATE YOU. no. I don't wish for anybody harm unless you are talking about her,her or them. But the rest of you-i just don't like you.

Those of you who think i am a 21 yr old trying to be cool, bitchy and adult-like(i am one now if you realise) go ahead. Think what you wanna. Yes!I am talkin to you mister.Oh-my-god!-im-so-old-i-can't-stand-young-people-or-their-initiatives. take light and get alright. and by the way, i do dislike you too!

I thank life for all the wonderful people that it has to me presented. I only hope i prove worthy of their love. If my loss of words is expression enough, then you know it all!

Sigh'lence

2008-01-17T21:11:00.000+05:30

Inspiration need not always be from experience. Inspiration comes also from empathy, agitation or for that matter fantasy. Now fantasy is to be understood in terms of "what could have been if...". The inspiration for this poem comes from empathy as well as the "what could have been if..." factor. Justification pertains only to those who need one.

Why am i scared of what would be
if i told you what i feel...
perhaps it is the silence, that, in me
raises waves of emotions i 'need' not.
perhaps when i do decide to speak
to you, about my intentions, there'll be none!
none of these needless thoughts shall remain then.
Silence is,for sure, evil...
when, with the heart you deal.
It kindles thoughts that exist not in speech
It feeds the idle mind with thoughts ugly
(ugly to the ignorant, but not for You and Me)
But again...
perhaps the thoughts aren't as needless at all
perhaps we were in love to fall, and,
but for the silence we would have...
Perhaps it were the silence that saved us
the trouble of ruining all that We have...
And what all have We!
A tale of private emotions,
a future unknown yet secure,
a lifetime of secret smiles
when into each other's thoughts we peep
a dream that awaits intoxicated senses...

perhaps this is what the silence meant to do to us...
perhaps silence isn't that evil at all...

He who...

2008-01-17T21:03:00.000+05:30

He who has not,an opinion of his own
but laughs when they laugh and mourns when they mourn-
sees not the fact that, gone, when they are
he from his own self, shall have moved oh!so far

He who is man not enough to say NO
but amends his principles to go with the flow-
knows not the truth that, when things turn around
An abyss of vices, in him, shall be found.

He who does not, by his friends, stand
but befriends a mirage and seeks its hand
loses not just his dream, but also the trust
of his friends. Oh! suffer-he must!

He who trades secrets to gain acceptance
and smiles at them all wearing the mask of pretence
shall, someday, find himself alone in his room...
and that day shall be-the day of his doom.

He who cares not about anything at all
but treats them all the same-issues big or small
shall have not much to cherish,when his days are to end
will have not a soul to be called 'his friend'.

Nomadic love

2008-01-17T20:47:00.000+05:30

abrupt liasons
unspoken love
tacit reverence
unknown joys
feelings unexplored
memories incomplete
bitter sweet endings
eternal conflicts
alien realms
unreal sights
ecstatic emotions
intricate bonds
hasty encounters
sublime expressions
flowing time
reckless heart
aren't these but the essence of a vagabond??
can a nomad afford the luxury called love...??

too soon to love, too late to ignore
too sweet an emotion to shut the doors
of my eyes. Im totally in sync,
with the rhythm of life-I'll be gone in a blink.

it isn't cowardice, but plain revival
of the spirit of restlessness (and of denial)
of wanting something you know u can't attain
of experiencing the pleasures of being in pain.

Im too full of life to let my heart
wander across. each day i start
as if it were the last day of my life
Love cannot happen in a nomad's life

love is a luxury that requires time,
riches and sacrifice;i consider it crime
for me to surrender to cupid's plot.
Love is a luxury that i pursue not.

Love is that realm i shall enter not
Love is that luxury i desire not.

ma-I had to.im sorry.

2006-06-11T23:07:00.001+05:30

I find it relieving now,dat i wept incessantly last night.well...why am i mentioning it?because i believe i ought to share the fact with the world that mother's aren't just what you believe they are-someone who cooks,cribs and comforts...and you'll know why i'm saying this very shortly...
So,yesterday was a beautiful day, here, in hyderabad, as it has been, for almost a fortnight now.But I must confess, i haven't been making best use of the incredible weather, except for everyday evening pool trips.coming back to 'yesterday', tanvi, a dear friend of mine, wished to go to shopping for college wear in the evening.And dutiful and jobless buddy that i am, i readily accepted to go along.the plan was that, she and trishula would come near mahavir hospital and i would meet them there, once i receive a "leave-at-once" call from tanvi.i waited for 15 minutes and when i didn't get any call, i called her and she says they were already on the way-which implies i had to leave at once so i didn't keep them waiting for long.normally i would have walked to mahavir,since it is about an 10 minute walk from my place.but, i was late, for no fault of mine, and i HAD to take an auto.There was an auto waiting right across the gate,but just then, another autowallah came right in front of me.And i chose the closer auto, feeling bad for the auto guy who was waitin across.this is what happened next:
He:(lifts eyebrows)
I: (with a dry n "duhh" expression) mahavir.
He:("hop-in" kind of an eyebrow lift) n turns the meter on.
i must add, at this juncture, that i was holding a bag full of clothes in my right hand.And despite myself,my left hand reached out for the rod that runs parallel to the meter.tttttssssssssssssskkkk!!!!!!!!A sudden abnormal feeling,that all the senses in your body are rushing to your left hand...running through the fingers...and in an instant i realise that the sensation is that of a burn.I was by then settled in the auto(i dont know when that happened!), i look at the palm side of my left hand and see that all my fingers are charred and a wax-like layer is all over my ring finger.the conversation continues like this:
I:kya hai auto???????????
He:kya hua amma?
I:haath jal gaya!!!!!!????!!!!(n i murmer something,i don't remember what)
He:very dumbassly, takes his auto-wallah uniform off, and gives it to me.
I:dirty, irritated, painful look."merko kaiku dere?utta garam kaiku hai aapka auto??????
(i swear this could easily qualify as the "most-stoopid-conversation" of my life entiere!)He: sorry amma!abbich welding karaake aarum........
(this is how my brain was until i got off the auto:................................................)
I don't quite remember why i didnt grab his head and put his cheek to the burning rod.I was just so much in pain to let the revengeful side of me take control.I was shocked at his extreme display of apathy and nonchalance.or atleast i could have said "yeh lo bhai" while paying him and grabbed his hand and make him feel something hot-the freaking rod!nothing occured to me then, as i was lost in "i think i know why this happened"'ish thoughts.

After an hour of shopping,i met sham (cousin) en route and she and ammi (big mom) took me to the doctor.one injection.lots of curses showered on the auto guy.a couple of tablets.a handful of blisters and a heartful of regret.
Regret because this could have been avoided.And it was because of this exhausting and painful guilt that i cried all of last night.silently-but cried my heart out.I did learn my lesson last time, when i had my first ever accident.I knew why it had happened.And i know why this happened as well.I openly lied to ma.I amn't blaming mom for what happened.I am merely stating the fact that, when a trust is broken, you pay for it someway or the other,sooner or later.And yet, I lied.despite the fact that I knew I shouldn't.I had my reasons.And stubborn that i may sound, i still believe that was the only option i was left with,unless i chose to let things get more nasty.I apologised to mom.And last night all those tears were just to tell her that i was forced to tell her the lie.but, i feel the lie is worth this burn.
I always make sure i am honest as much as possible.specially to the closest of people (with mom topping the list).But, i just want to make it clear that if I chose to hide the truth, its only because i had to.Im sorry, ma.I don't think i will need more lessons.And just like the last time(the accident-more popular as "the fall"), even this payment proved short-lived.Then, with the impact that i fell off the bike, i could have sprained my back, but nothing grave happened.And now, when the doctor presumed it would take about a week for the blisters to break, it is already much better.just one major blister and all the others already flat.that is again because of mother's sympathy i'd like to believe.
It always happens.Its just nature's way of telling you that mother's are much more than cooks,cribbers and comforters.i guess when they earn the right to punish you,when their trust is mercilessly broken.I dont wish to sound paulo coelho'ish or watever!i am just confessing and sharing.MOM-i understand.I will take care now on.love you.

Blissful Thoughtlessness...

2006-05-29T21:36:00.000+05:30

"thoughtlessness is unviable: is what is often heard,
but thoughtless is all i choose to be,to you be it absurd.
It's comforting;with no chaos and no clash of vision,
more so when your life entire,dangles on 'the' decision.

confident goals inviting me,with open arms and cheer,
hopeful eyes assuring me-there's no place for fear...
yet, is my life, in all good sense, worth only 'a' chance?
be if yes the answer, wouldn't i but live in a trance?

With people's pouring opinions and inter-refuting views,
my blankness only heightens & farther i move from the hues,
Hues relating to my future & those dictating my life...
Is this how you live too?in a commotion within you, so rife?

When a gently killing monotony, growing eternally in you,
and eager are you no more, to start your life anew...
when dreams you have none, and time is running short...
its when you have it all, yet are happy with naught.

I pray not for such a life, I have no space for perfection,
I'd rather live by chance, than go by your instruction...
I want not my decision,to take me far from "me"...
"four-walls' fail to allure me, 'tis "the world" i wish to see...

So quit pushing me, afar from this thotless state,
for it is amidst a riot,that my thoughts will finally mate,
and bless me with an answer,the 'one' i seem to miss...
where in lies my future?where would i find my bliss?

Well, for all those who have opined and still do that i have "wasted" a year doing "nothing"...good news-Im wasting three more years!!!Not that you would agree with me, not even that i care!ok...less of sarcasm/cynicism and more of information...i have applied to Francis (...i knw...) and submitted forms for 3 combos...
*history/eng literature/political science
*mass communications/english literature/political science
*economics/english literature/political science
The trouble is that, each of these three combos appeals to a different side of me...in the sense that pol sci n litt are both essential for me and hence they are decided.But the third and undecided (yet...)optional "seems" to be THE BIG THING...
History is something i WANT to learn-only and simply because it fascinates me.and anyone who is a little frank and a little more concerned will advise me against it...but then thats that.i would love to study history...I know its not a "lucrative" optional, but thats not the be all and end all, right??
Mass comm is "apparently" something that is made for me.i mean, i, personally, am not too sure if i would like to sit for two years learning about the nuances of a trade that i might or might not take up...and actually getting to do some solid ground work only in the third year as a compensation for 2 years of theoritical &*$#..
Eco, on the third hand, happens to be my firsst love.i can take another step ahead and justify this by bringing to light the fact that i also happened to top college in eco wid 93%...and its plain evident that when i score well in something, its ONLY because my interest in it.
i really really enjoy eco... yet history entices me coz its something i have not really learnt yet...and mass comm would rather be an easy way out if i choose to take up my language courses seriously (which is most likely to happen)...
and hence i think thoughlessness (when it comes to such decisions) is not cowardice,but plain blissssss....and so,people, kindly add to the pandemodium and help me sort things out (which i think is almost done....almost...).last date for payment of fee-2nd june.comment pronto!

please...

2006-05-17T20:25:00.000+05:30

hmm...so this post is a collection of all those apparently (but not necessarily) trivial stuff, that i have been wanting to blurt out (yell out rather!) since long...there are a few sincere requests, a few genuine opinions and few more suggestions.perhaps it could appeal as juvenile and futile to some peeps, while the rest may nod in accordance;either which ways I shall go ahead with the post.I mean, I'm sure everybody agrees to atleast one of the many things which follow...so here goes thelist of things that i have been waiting to put across to those that have inspired me to write this post....
1.To most of those women in love who wear dupattas and sarees: I understand, that in this fast paced life, most of you guys hardly get time for intimacy and "togetherness" and also that bike-rides are particularly fun and incredibly romantic when the hero rides it oh-so-senselessly...the least you could do, to see more of those ride and to to save yourself some injuries, is keep to damned dupatta or pallu in place.I know it looks so cool when wind blows, and the dupatta flies and all, but think beyond the wind.coz once the wind subsides the only place that allures your dupatta is the freaking wheel.IN MOTION!!!!so, save romantic soft-filter-wind-blowing scenes for a vacation and get this straight.The next time, i am NOT going to scream out of my helmet.I shall get stop my bike,get down and slap you to reality!!!!!i wish!but really, tie a knot.You'll save your life and I can ride in peace.please...don't wait for a savior.be your own.
2.To the people who believe natural occurances are inevitable: Men who burp out loud.I mean REAL LOUD are not the most welcome people. If you are one of the ppl who believe "why fart and waste it while you can burp and taste it/why use the back door when you can use the front door" or watever crap, stop.and think.its not music you are producing.It's not even something humourous.It's just plain disgust, for the people around, when they get to smell whatever you just swallowed.see what i mean??its just so GROSS!!!!!!So just quit burping out loud.It aint inviting, despite the fact that it is but a natural occurance.It's just plain,extreme irritation and inexplicable disgust that you beget.so quit it.seriously.dont burp out loud and give a smile like you've won the world.Get a life.
3.To people who owe others some anount of money: Its never tomorrow for you and it's never too early for them.So try "today".I mean specially when your dadda has a business that runs beyond continents and when your wallet has more than just indian currencies, you have got to give away the amount you owe to them.No.none in particular, but to all in general...you see just because a few sissies have not the guts to ask for their own money, it isn't very nice that you take their sissiness for richness.for all you know they might not even have bucks to make you a threat call.So listen to your conscience;it says-"do you really have to buy the tommy sweat shirt when you have to repay him/her?do you really need those chanel shades??".and do what it says.Pay off the amount, specially if it's above Rs.500.Saves you and him/her some unrequired chagrin.
4.To all the "men" who smoke: for the buh'zillionth time-smoking is not sexy.it is just as bad as burping or farting except that it's worse.The reason being that the latter two are natural occurances (that can be done decently) and the former is a choice (which is bad in itself). Unless you have other factors like an incredible strength of character, a mind blowwwing sense of humour/timing and so on, you are just being tolerated.I mean, no matter how worthless you think you are, the fag sticks aren't worth you.think beyond momentary pleasures.Think beyond your hedonistic instincts.Think beyond just your satisfaction and you'll see your putting everything else at stake.Your dear ones who have not the heart to stop you, but so wish and pray that you felt they were worth a little more.Your own body thats being taken for a ride that should cost you more than you think.and i know its all been said before, but i believe that if your conscience is confronted and dealt with, things fall into places...so its never too late ppls...in the words of oprah "your life is worth it"...also mine.
5.To all the people who plan to watch 36 Chinatown: If you already have committed the sin, im sorry for your loss.If you haven't but are dying to-go die.If you have no plans of watching it-please do, it demands a standing ovvation for perfect killjoy movie ever made.I know music to the extent that i can understand when someone goes out of tune or misses a note and similar little stuff.and the movie claims but an entire set of noise filled, tuneless, highly agonizing and stress-inducing "numbers"; I aint the biggesst fan of Alka Yagnik but surely she seems to have lost her senses and her choice of music.But, its good that she chose to be a part of one of history's musically worstestest films ever.story-non existentant-so don't look/hope for one.perfomances-aksheye khanna:grace marks.kareena-cannot act in thrillers for nuts.Shahid-tolerable unlike in other movies.Upen Patel- biggest mistake of his life to have signed for this crappy film.Humour-weak.Priyanka chopra's one-second entry cannot save this ultimate piss-off movie and nor can Tanushree dutta's one minute song(??) sequence.the fact that the servants kill Isha in the movie is not even close to a thrill!Himesh Reshamiya-go get yourself killed.Or just get lost!!!!!Kareena and Shahid actually are dumb enough to sing (??) a duet in a prison cell...and its actually irritating to see them dancing for such tuneless noise...watever!Its wonderfully putrid and exasperatingly crassy.gawd-save-'em-all...

shall update when i have more "please"s to add.....

What am I to do?

2006-04-19T22:29:00.000+05:30

Thoughts and theories all absurd,
words of wisdom, surely heard-that
when they fight- the heart and the mind,
stick to the heart, an answer you'll find.

But at rare times, when afar goes this fight,
when sense and conscience, both seem right,
when bound am I amidst "how" and "why",
what am I to do?Just give up and sigh?

When I have not the power to set things straight,
and I have not the courage to trust my fate,
when wisdom within me is still unseen,
what am I to do?Stop reacting to the scene?

When laughter echoes every plea for support,
and sans any support,discouraged, sinks my boat,
when the fire in me seems to burn in vain,
what am I to do? Simply swallow the pain?

When issues hit me and I want to fight back,
and might is all I need, for I have the knack,
when glances and jeer, are all in return I get,
what am I to do?whine, worry and fret?

When many around me wish to stand up and speak,
and many other, a changed lifestyle seek,
when my life is ruled by "I-don't-know-who"
what am I to do?I have not a clue...

I speak my thoughts out to the people I trust,
and their comments about it, tell you I must,
they sing the same song, but are just as lost,
they are just as pained at a helpless cost.

It aint no mere reason, but a genuine one,
what we seem to lack is that loaded gun,
to trigger the otherwise ignited submission,
to show us what we see not-the right direction.

And again I risk my thoughts and my theories,
perhaps absurd, but do answer my queries,
who be that sun, I look up to already?
where be that gun, I wish to closely study?

When all agitation merely ends in talk,
and to seek a solution, none leads the walk,
when it irates me further, to sit and watch,
why do I still await, an already burning torch?

When none wants to lead,but all seek a change,
and all sit in agony and indignation and rage,
when awaited is he, who is yet to be born,
wouldn't this world, in due time, be gone?

As I sit to pen down,these thoughts unclear,
and you read the same, I can see our thoughts near,
and yet I hesitate to think of something concrete,
for I seek not a war, that ends in a defeat...

what a wonderful world....

2006-04-13T13:05:00.000+05:30

Perhaps it was to compensate for all those utterly boring days during the year, that monika happened to me at the end.From just another trainee at the goethe zentrum (german centre) to a treasured pal, the fun element has been there through out.As i had promised her, i took her out for a shopping spree one day, when she happened to tell me about her plans of travelling India, post the training period.She seemed to iterate the fact that she was to travel the south of India, all by herself .And it was but obvious to a travel-loving soul like mine to take notice!!She suggested i speak to ma about it and i did it the very same afternoon.monika joined us for lunch at greenpark and managed to charm ma with her genuine self.TADAAAA!!!!!10 day trip and just the two of us!!!!!
Polish by birth, monika has been living in Germany for the past 3 years, studying german and working alongside.She was in hyderabad as a trainee at the german centre for 6 weeks.Unlike the other (few) europeans i have met/come across, she was unusually modest and noticeably open with everybody.So the trip...listed chronologically...
DAY-1:
We left to chennai on the 27th of march.chennai express.the next day at about 7 am we reached chennai and took an auto to my mama's place.we had planned to take a local tour in chennai that afternoon, organized by the tourism dept.and what a lousy tour that was!!!the guide actually took the pain of introducing us aliens, thrice to the local koovam river which is mainly used for sewage purpose.man!!and the other draw back was that in the museum, the charges for indians was Rs.15 where as all foreign nationals had to pay Rs.250!!!!Total nonsense!!And that left Monika and the other firangs pretty wild!
DAY-2
we take the same tourism dept's help in touring other parts of Tamil Nadu around chennai.First we set off to kancheepuram.Saw Ekambareeshwar temple,Kamakshi temple and then finally Vishnu temple.then we were taken to this silk mill, to witness the making of a silk saree!!not of any help though, for,the entire process was explained to us in less than 2mins flat!!!then half an hour to shop at the govt silk store where they offered a 20% discount to us!Then we moved to Mahabalipuram.The sculptures didnt appeal a lot to Monika except for this huge monolithic elephant, since the day was too hot!Went to the beach.And then on the way back to chennai, we stopped at VGP golden beach for an hour, and a couple of thrill rides did get us back to our senses!!back home exhausted!!
DAY-3
Wake up early morning to set off to pondi!!!aah!the drive was simply beautiful!!no traffic ka jhanjhat.perfect weather.lovely car.great company.super music playing.ahaa!!and once in pondi, our first stop was the ashram, after breakfast.it didnt amuse her much, for all the important places were not open for visitors that day due to whatever reasons!so, after a wee bit of shopping, we left to the beach.her craze for suntan did amuse me quite a bit!and since her attire got negative response from the crowd we had to shift to a less crowded beach enroute to auroville.after that act, we left to auroville.perhaps one of the most beautiful villages in the world.full of nature.silence everywhere except for noisy chips-eaters and loud-burpers, etc.after a rejuvenating evening at auroville we get set to get back to chennai!
DAY-4
No plans as such but for souvenir shopping!did that at a store called victoria handicrafts near spencers.we could spend an entire weekend admiring the stuff there!superb really!!the got home for lunch.after lunch paati n I taught monika to make urad dhal vadas!!in vain though!!then packed our luggage to set off to kerala!!!!trivandrum mail at 8 pm...
DAY-5
Reached trivandrum by noon.Rauma, Dj and Jithu were at the station to pick us up!we went to the hotel,bathed and after a quick nap, we leave to coffee beans.coffee beans=a smaller version of coffee day kinds.So after sitting there for a nice 2 hours we leave to the closest beach.shanmukha if i ait wrong.we were at the beach until a little after sunset and later go to pizza corner, for monika's taste buds were almost extinct eating "spicy" food everywhere!!!then get back to our rooms and doze well.
DAY-6
We set out early to Kanyakumari, which is called kaakaa punkt by monika!!we had a very cute driver for the taxi who had thick black hair growing out of his ears.She found this so funny and adorable that she decided to call him a bear cub!!On the way to kaakaa punkt, we stopped at this palace called padmanabhapuram palace.man!!!!!!such a huge area it covers, we couldn't actually see the whole thing with the limited time we had in hand.but worth a visit for its architecture and more.Then we reach kk i a short while. so bear cub, DJ, monika and I have a lovely day at kaakaa punkt.watched sunset there.it is undoubtedly one of the bestest sights in the world.The waterbody (indian ocean) is so freaking alluring, you just cant help but give in to nature's wonders...pretty pensive we all had become for quite some time!then we get back to trivandrum by late night.
DAY-7
Start out to this waterfall called ponmudi which is like a couple of hours drive from trivandrum.After almost 30 hairpin curves we finally reach the place only to learn that the waterfall is no more there, for thirsty summer has swallowed all its falling water and what is left there is but a dry patch of land!!then we satisfy ourself with a smaller waterfall which in all its length couldn't exceed 4 feet its water couldn't constitute to more than a glassful!So, after this huge let down, on a super height, we leave to kovalam beach.It compensated for the disappointment at ponmudi.Blue waters.clean white-ish golden sand.well maintained beach.decent crowd.picture perfect almost!!We dined, that night, at a beach side resto and what an evening it was!truly divine i could say! after a lot of self-coaxing we left kovalam to get back to trivandrum.
DAY-8
we had to check out of trivandrum to reach kollam/quilon by 10.30 coz we had to take a cruise from kollam which would take us through the backwaters to alapuzha.a day long cruise lasting from 10.30(from kollam) to 6.30 (reaching alapuzha/alappey), and it cost just about Rs.350 per head!!!after running about in hurry and helplessness due to hurry, we somehow got on to the cruise at some other point,having missed it from kollam!Trust me on this, H-E-A-V-E-N on earth is what it felt like...greenery everyside you turn.till as far as your eyes can stretch, its just trees and water and open blue skies...man!!!!!if only we could rent a boat house...we couldn't coz of 2 reasons.1.we weren't armed with information about safety.2.It really wasn't safe for two young women, of which one is a firang and the other knew not the language!!so, the next time, we shall find appropriate solutions.the cruise stops for lunch at this ktdc resto which serves pucca south indian thaali.after experiencing heaven and a little bit of hell in the cruize, we reach alapuzha by 6.30 pm. check in at 'gowri' which happend to be a 1945 built bungalaw taken over by the tourism dept, renovated and converted into a guest house let out for tourists for about Rs.400 per day/per room!it had a spooky aura despite sharing walls with a beautiful temple on one side and having lots n lots of pictures of gods in itself!they had tamed a white eagle by the most uncivil and inhuman manners and there were also around 8-10 geese in the premises, along with oodles and oodles of different kinds of lizards!!!!!!!The food at gowri was fantabulous!!so was the coffee and the sit out cafe.and likewise,after a terribly spooky sleepless night, we continue with the next day.
DAY-9
Monika goes for her massage therapy at about 9 am.and i remain at gowri along with Dj and others, to witness the ultimate comedy of maya.maya= a dutch resident of gowri,high on dope perennially, "dancing" to the tunes of the helpers at gowri(literally!!) and scarred with tatoo marks on her collar bones, scaring us with her oh-so-freaking-expressive eyes!!!so after our share of maya jokes, we welcome monika who was high on her massage experience!!she went on and on and on about what all massages they offered and how she felt each time and what they used and what nots!!and then we sit to lunch after which we got to meet this english "couple" emma and ms-nice skirt sophiya..n boy!!!!the accent !!!!!we were just so gaga over that bri'tish accent of theirs that we didnt actually mind their not-so-funny jokes!then we packed and checked out of the rooms.but since we had no where to go until 7pm we opted to hang around the cafe at gowri and that was perhaps when we had the bestest time.Talking,singing,joking, cheering dj with his bowling, admiring maya, talkin to the krishna eagle, swinging, man!!!!!!!!then by 11 pm we leave to the bus stop to catch a bus to cochin.we reached cochin in 2 hours or a little more and we sat right there at the airport until the next morning.
DAY-10
we had to fly to hyderabad via bangalore.air deccan to bangalore at 7.30.we should have known better.the flight was delayed by 4 hours.our connecting flight from bangalore to hyderabad was at 1.30 and it was too big a risk for monika since she had to reach hyderabad that very same day at any cost, coz her ticket to germany was confirmed that very night!!so we decided she would fly jet airways to bangalore, to reach there before time and i would fly the late air deccan (pun intended u bet!!) to catch her on the flight to hyd by hook or crook.so saying our hurried good byes we send monika off on the jet which was at 8.30.and in due course of time, i realised i had not much reason to fly back home, coz the main reason we chose to fly, was monika's flight to germany.and since she had anyways left, i decided i'd take the roadways.and thereby i got my air tickets cancelled from air deccan and go air(bangalore to hyd), to go to calicut and catch a bus from there to bangalore that night and the next morning catch an apsrtc bus to hyd.aaaaah!!my feet were swollen beyond words when i got to hyderabad on the 7th at about 9 pm...and the journey from imlibun to my house seemed like the longest journey ever!!aah!the trip has taught me things that i wouldn't have learnt in any college or 'educational' institution in a million years!It has earnt me friends that no amount of "hanging around" could fetch me.It has made me so joyous that no amount of classroom fun could come close to beating it.given me an idea as to how "travelling" is not all that regal a business as i pictured, unless u have your sources sans restraint!and lots more...it showed me how places like kerala still exist on earth to compensate for all the dirty chennai's in the world!it has tanned me much that i hate it, met people i have only heard about and whom i have been dying to meet since long, done things i wouldn't usually do (like picking out pepper from pongal for monika's bland food!!, travelling alone!! living on coffee for hours together, etc!!), and lots of other firsts...loved every single moment...will surely replay when i get he chance after reaching upstairs...for sure!!
PS-sincere thanks to durai mama, jayshree maami, preethi, adi, sujay,ttdc and paati.
more than sincere thanks, heartfelt gratitude and bestestest of wishes to rauma(for your time),jithu(for your time and for the fun!),bear cub(for safely taking us around places),green t-shirt guy at gowri(for being kind enuff to take monika around allappey), mr.vinu & mr.joseph(for the rooms at gowri), mr.jiya(for the wallet act),mr.jaygopal(for the tickets), cher (for the hospitality and the lovely tea),and rest at gowri(for the hospitality) and air deccan for refunding every pie!
Dj-u rock!thank you for every freaking moment of utter delight,for helping both of us with almost everything.for wiping away language problems, and for bringing me to light about the lil angel called mixie and of course her lil mom-veena.n for the maya act.for everything else-cheers!
and thank you Monika-perhaps this post didnt do u much justice.another is on its way, but only after you forward the pics.hope u make it next year as well, so we can have the same insane kind of fun we had during this trip!lots of luck n love comin ur way...keep rockin junglee!!

Funny Funny-II

2006-03-13T18:08:00.000+05:30

Its funny how people miss out on an eternity of joy, considering that 'one' single aspect which may or may not make a difference to the two involved!!How the magic is forced to die and the joy is brutally buried.what's even funny is that despite the decision to let go of that love, they nurture it, for a little while-called a lifetime...
Its funny how we find the most special thing in the most unlikely places...either from the past, or from a dollop of hatred, or from anonimity...How the very thought of finding it brings in us an inexplicable stir!what's even more funny is that this special thing assures us that extent of suppot that we wonder how life was possible before its arrival...
Its funny how we sometimes blame alcohol for our own drunkenness!!when we look not into what our true-self needs and what it really wishes for, we tend to lean on to the external sources of intoxication unable to withstand the chaos within...what's even funny is that we are better accepted this way...
Its funny how very often the most pretty looking jewels fail to appeal to us as does a modest flower.How the grandeur and luxury of diamonds go mute in the elegance and simplicity of a white rose.What's even more funny is that diamonds remain just as pompous and roses just as pious.
Its funny how we try so hard at being god-fearing.How each single dawn we set out praying, to wash away the sins of the previous day.What's even funny is that the a new day is always born and with each day comes a new reason and a new apology...

I wish I were a word...

2006-02-25T20:48:00.004+05:30

In a joyous submission, I tread the space
the space in my mind,where i revel always;
the space which marvels at the worth of a word-
Each word so soothing as a melody unheard...

And each single moment,i think to myself-
"i wish i were a word-as distinct,as vague;
as inspiring and powerful, i wish i could be,
For each word is filled with its own duty."

A word inspires thought,that strikes in us a vision
A word bestows form to our unbuilt thought condition.
Words dictate expression of our silent musing
I wish i were a word-with my individuality oozing.

I wish i were a word for then I'd be sinificant.
I'd have limited uses, and still be content.
I can mean different, leaving the context to be blamed.
I can then change my facets, without being ashamed.

I wish i were a word, so the world can see,
how duty is mistaken for infidelity;
how "context" can mould my meaning and my soul,
I wish i were a word, with no rigid role...

My 50th post-cheeerz!to death!

2006-01-17T21:25:00.000+05:30

Mrs.Dhanalakshmi is dead.She is no more.Not to me,not to her students,not to her admirers nor to her people...she is simply dead...What a news to deliver!Dead!Liver Operation fail-so DEAD!
The one lady I would have just blindly believed, no matter what.The one woman who could have the attention of the entire class of 70+ students with the most cheerful attitude...not your typical teacher of "i-make-dullards-study-too" nor the usual "i-am-an-angel-in-disguise" kinds...She would literally put you to tears with her compassion and dedication( I know so)...There was a time when my mother had to undergo a rather big operation and I was frequently irregular.She would (i was told) pray everyday, before the class began,for her recovery and ask each student to do their bit too.Not just my mother,she would do it for everybody.And she did it not to gain our "what-lovely-teacher" views, for she was beyond all that.
I hated school after she retired because she was the only reason I stuck to that school.I had none to open out to,confide in, trust, laugh with, encourage me beyond practicality...From the loser,defeatist attitude i was made up of, she was the one that transformed me into a relatively confident orator, debatist.She would blindly give my name for any essay competitions and it was only for her that i would give my best shot.And she knew what she meant to me...
I am shattered at how wicked this whole plot is!
After schooling i have been in regular contact with her.Birthdays,good-news-times,occasions,confession-times,have always kept us together.Infact a pillar is gone in my academic/personal life...pillar of encouragement basically...I wish to forget at the earlieast about this dirty joke...Its not funny death!I hope u die soon too...amen.
PS:I know u know it.But mam,If there ever comes a time in my life where in I deal with a child as a student/teenager,I will emulate you in every which way it demands.Blindly.Completely.I might not get anymore genuine encouragement ever in my life.But I remember every single word of what you wanted me to be...and I remember my answer to it too...I hope death repents for this.And i hope you transform it into a better entity...can u stillread my thoughts??I know...I wont say anymore...

But then...

2006-01-15T09:04:00.000+05:30

True...It isn't true...
For what is true-is seen-and
what is seen,alone,is accepted,
by the millions unseen.

But then...
what is "felt"??...
what is felt is impure,
it's ugly and rejected...
and in cases this kind-
most severely objected...

But then...
but then I know,
that It is purer than seen,
and its beauty,
is beyond acceptance...
Just a form it lacks,
and that is the joy complete!

And yet...
True-It isn't...
It "is"-for its felt;
It "is" not-for its not seen!

But then...
If mere "existence" dictated "truth",
(and not the "sight" of it)
And if all that is,hence, "true"
was encouraged and accepted,
And all that gained acceptence,
also gained a form...
would it kill "the joy"???

Is it this private joy that I seek??
Or is it the imbroglio that follows...??
Is it this nothingness that I want??
Or the completeness it assures...??
Is it this precarious trust that I expect??
Or the lack of it that allures me...
Is it this formless sequence that I love??
But then...Why do I feel,that this is It...??

I'll miss you!!!

2005-12-30T21:27:00.001+05:30

What a wonderful year!I will defffinitely want to re-live 2005 if ever given the chance of reliving any year...and if so much generosity isn't offered and only a month is given to be re-lived....it would have to be December 2005....What a month!What A Month!!Simply Superb!So....for my own pleasure and for your's too...here's a short recap of what this cute and lovely year had in store for me...

January 2005:
->The play,we did(Shaista and I along with a few other people) for Ramakrishna Mutt.What fun that was!!
->Shaista and I travel to Bangalore to and fro all by ourselves...and what fun that was!!
->College farewell...What fun that was!!ROTFL with the kind of stuff performed for us that day!!
->TOEFL score.With just one practise test taken,kiddo scores 280 with a perfect 6 on the essay(ok...i really didnt expect to crawl beyond 260,so it does matter)

Febuary 2005:
->Prefinals.Stunk.I had doubts if I would even get through commmerce with the kind of silly errors I made!
->Usual birthday memories...of pals of course,roaming in and around the places of Hyd!
->Harvard rejection letter.

March:
->School re-union.Usual "oh my gawds!!"
->IPE!!!!!Total blasht!
->Lawrence approval letter with a clause of increasing the funds...bull!
->Yale approval letter in vain.Coz the paper works weren't even sent!

April:
->French 400 starts with a gang of fresh new buddies.
->Swimming classes man!!huhhh...
->freaking out with Vidz...
->French Wine rocks!beer sucks!!just a sip to decide that!
->IPE results out!87.8%!!!i surprise myself!!

May:
->First first cousin's (first??) wedding.First saree act!and last,I have to add.
->Bangalore trip for application to Christ's.First travel all by myself!
->First interview with the Principal of a super cool college like christ's!First college I had applied to.Glad to have gotten through the 30 students among gawd-knows-how-many-applicants for the J.P.Eng course!
->First actual Truth and Dare game played with proper dares and rules!!
->Kiddo startes blogging!!

June:
->Get through(hehe...1st name on the 1st list!!)St.Francis for the mass.comm course
->First attempt at writing to The Hindu.
->Sick cousin's sick wedding with him!!

July:
->Doubts of clearing IPE washed away with the declaration of the results in April.But standing college 2nd was an indigestible fact!anyways...thank u!thank u!
->Application at Francis re-considered.and re-chucked.
->revelations.revelations.revelations...and many more of them.
->A futile attempt at CIEFL at Japanese.Did i blog about that experience??nah,wouldn't want to get started at that beeping experience.

August:
->Kiddo turns 18!!!!
->My first,earnt salary!!600 bucks from my tutee,for the little french i teach!
->Sissy leaves to US :-(
->My first branded jeans!(no different anyways!)

September:
->600 starts.Diploma kathe!yea right!!
->German classes begin!!
->Old tutee out.Two new ones in!
->Dokku bandi under my custody.
->too many new friends!yeah!!Fun Fun!!

October:
->German Unification day at Goethe Zentrum rocked!
->Kiddo Out on the block!Ahem!thats about it!
->Lessons learnt.Never give in to persuasion.Specially when you want to say yes,dont!

November:
->Momma turns 50!!!first family event without vids.
->Cousin gets married.First big family event without Vids.
->My first tingu accident,just leaving a dent in ma dokku bandi.Cutey pie is pretty fit and strong for its age!
->Admission from some Spanish Unversity.Hehe!

December:
->Jazz concert and the fun I had!!
->The European movie and the fun "we" had!!!(no....not a word,please,my sincere apologies to one and all)
->The hawaaiin guitar concert and th epleasure it was!
->Organising the event and the fun we had!
->Awarded National Merit Scholarship,postal delay results in late submission which i hooope doesn't result in disqualification.
->The paper valuation and the fun/pain it was!
->New friends...ah haan??
->the many many college fests at Francis and the college "culture"??? shocks.
->Christmas party at German Centre.And yea,the wild german wine christiane made was oooooooh!baby!!(please,just a tingu cup-yes,CUP...like those 2 rupees chai ke cups??)
->Alliance Christmas Party rocked!Cute that each and every single person there was grooving!
->Tutees turn out to be more han just that.Cute things,getting closer now!
->First attempt at many many other stuff.yea!Stuff!!sighhhhh.....December sure has compensated to the otherwise,ahem,modestly interesting life of mine.

So,2005,You have been a total sweet heart.I hope my future years are good,but you my dear have been and i assume will be one of the bestest years in my life.Will come back to you,if/when i get the chance to.Lots of firsts.Many many new people.Whole load of dear friends.And my biggest addiction,blogging!And the best part-I have been learning new things almost every single day.If not in college,atleast elsewhere.Will miss you tons.But do roll in to give birth to beter and better years to every single soul cutee!adios!!!
And for all you readers-Happy 2006.And my apologies for the length of the post,but had to,coz this year has been very dear!

Conquests of the Heart...

2005-12-23T20:16:00.000+05:30

The naive Heart yearns to cry,
but the 'high' Head shoots back a 'Why?'
The Head brings facts to its front
knowing well,that it hates the truth blunt...

(The Head scornfully slides,)
"Who chose to wander about,
into alien lands' open mouth?
Who chose to enter unknown zones,
without arms,in your bare bones??"

Not a word came from the Heart,
for she agreed-she wasn't on guard...
How simple it was to complicate things
and brood over the disasters it brings...

(It came out with it's side...)
"Wander,I did... for it allured me-
and for good reasons-you've got to agree
It's not my fault if the woods sheltered
strangers that just before me had entered...

Perhaps,I do seek solace in woods afar,
rather than living in a cluster,like you are,
Alas! The woods are always pre-conquered!
But the bright side-I'm still a bird...

I make friends with the healthy woods,
so I can,to them,run in bad and in good;
who cares whether or not I conquer any!
so long as I have a shelter in many...

Infact I'm glad most are pre-owned,
for otherwise,Amity may not have shone-and
True... At times I yearn to cry;
but I do have my woods,for help,to fly(to)!

And lost?I'm not, for I find my way
back to the caged world of 'head say'
But if it weren't for you I'd never
have learnt to fly or to woods discover..."

yinglis pyapers yanyvan??

2005-12-15T11:12:00.000+05:30

A blend of perfect pain and rolling comedy, were the gifts my “valuation” work presented to me. No, I mean REAL fun at times when papers having excruciatingly innovative ideas to sell for menial marks! I was surprised at the amount of grammar the chicks knew…Don’t say “Look who’s talking!!” coz in “official English” I speak the tongue just as well as I speak the “unofficial English”. Anyways, as I was saying, the gals had me pounding the floor with laughter and at the same time had me wondering about this revelation…
While things like- “whose book is this?-it is my’s “ and “ she didn’t came” and “I sawed her childrens” and “you’ve got nice hairs” are as common as “suicide is a sin…aathmahathyaa mahapapamu” board all along tank bund,these came as a breath of fresh pungent air!
So,here go those few short-listed errata of highly talented damsels in doom:

#Aunt Jane refused to get layed/laid on the bed that Jack owed her…
(that is-Aunt Jane refused to lie down on the bed which Still Jack doesn’t own completely)
#A goat comes into the garden and chews down the cherry tree!!
(a sapling for god’s sake!!)
#After two years the tree grew above Rakesh!!
(The tree grew taller than Rakesh, is what she meant. Preposterous
prepositions!!!)
#The tree became Rakesh like…
(again the same sentence, indicating an enormous scientific development!!)
#As he kept the knife at his throght,he got aroused…
(ok…one-no knife in the actual poem.two-it’s throat.three-he got curious…gawwwwwwwwwwwd!!!!!!!)
#While committing suicide(psst….WHILE committing),he got curious to peep into the talisman!!
(before, just before, a little before honey??)
# The Talisman gave the Talisman a Talisman…
(ah haan??so what I had to understand is-The palmist gave the young man a Talisman…heights of egalitarianism)
#In Shakespreare’s ‘All the world’s a Stage’, in the first stage, the man who is a baby is an infant.
(huh??so,that’s like a pleonasm??iteration??re-iteration??crass????)
#That’s why I sent a plane clothed man.
( O.Henry’s ‘After twenty years’…script change.A fancy dress fiesta..how about “a man in civil clothes”)
#Ask her questions about what’s happening in periods.
(Class room hours, love…or just plain “keep asking her questions about what’s being taught in class”…economy of words leading to cheap drags!)
#The Silky Bob,wondering about his thing (??) thought if Jimmy Wells would have made even half of it.
(????????????... The story-After twenty years leaves n scope for ‘huh??s’ and substitutes the word ‘thing’ with ‘wealth’)
#A.P.J.Kalam visited Prof.Iyengar’s senatory celebrations.
(I’ll get back to you in a while,sweets)
#Savithri Naidu is the ‘night angel’ of India…
(change of name with a controversial title bestowed…blame me not! All Hindu names sharing the same first letter are substitutable)
#Goodmorning Sir,This is my mother Mrs.XXX
(couldn’t you cook up a better name dove???atleast a different letter???)
#Gandhi-An ordinary man with an extra ordinary thing.
(I kind of am not comfortable with ‘thing’…atleast in such sentences…what she wanted to give was-an extra ordinary strength…ok!!??!!)
#He asked people to do it(?) only after he had done it(?).
(again referring to Gandhi’s principle of not asking people to do things that he himself couldn’t do…hmm…)
#Never Never Nest deals with a couple that wants to install a baby.
(install is not the verb form of installment!!!! stick to ‘buy in installments’.)
#The grass woman cutted the cherry seed into half.
(abba?? grass woman?? cutted?? cherry seed??...)
#He was physically string.
(missed out on a few letters??striKIng may be??)
#The medical showroom was enlightened with lights.
(What an enlightenment! I sure am getting close to that!)
#Jimmy Wells was petrolling the streets.
(O. Henry could kill you for that. Wells was a sincere cop patrolling(A not E!!) the streets.)

While these were all highlights of the prolonged pain, the following are the ones I have gotten used to now…
*various forms of the word ‘sour’
soar, sawar, saar, sore, souar…
*various forms for the phrase “gardener (woman)”
Grass cutter woman, grass chopper (heights!!),woman chopper, cutter lady… *various forms of the word ‘centenary’
Sanetary,cenestal,century(!!!!!),senestary,scentry…
**The dregs of pain…
buyed,cutted,piyano,feeled,felted,notty(naughty),cotted (caughted=caught), Avul Pakir Jainullabdin Abdul Kalam AZAD!!!!!!!!!!

And none (NONE) of these are anywhere close to exaggeration or fabrication. I wish it were, but sadly these are genuine errors I was in direct contact with…and I swear I have the least idea of what schools are up to…Thank whatever I, at least, ‘know and understand’ that these are errors! I am sure the gals don’t even realize it…hmm…may be I should get rid of the little corrupt English of mine as well, lest I end up on someone else’s blog…phew!!

sand tunes...

2005-12-06T19:08:00.000+05:30

Here goes the petit jotting of mine for "that" piece of violin, which I mentioned in the earlier post.It was random,involuntary,beyond/unlike-me, and terribly sudden...I missed the name of the composition,both the times (at the rehearsals and at the concert).During the rehearsals I got a call and so missed it and at the concert one old man sneezed so loud,I HAD to look at that 'strangely'talented man!!and so again I lost it!Nobody(i know) heard it as well...I tried asking the drummer and he gave me the name of the album...so with the umpteen answers that I got from various people there, NAZARATH was the highest recieved answer,though nobody was sure of it!So lets call it so...ahem!!have fun??

Hit the desert blues...
Embrace the sandy gloom...
Celebrate the pains of solitude...
Indulge in the warmth of capricious melancholy...
for it's their fall tonight,
for it's then,that we'll unite.

Float in the mirth of dejection...
Fly up the skies of death...
Rejoice in the lap of agony...
Smirk at their innocent ignorance...
for it's their fall tonight
for it's then,that we'll unite.

Your living form I'll recieve;
Your dusty hair I'll stroke;
Your trembling lips I'll feel;
Your tender self I 'll caress;
For tonight we shall unite,
beyond the realm of life...

And all that JAZZ...!!!!

2005-12-05T12:35:00.000+05:30

Lady luck isn't always this giving!I am flattered by her unusual generosity!Not only being invited to the parrrdy but also getting to be an "insider" in it!!Now, that is exactly the reason I preach about being a member in some association!The story here,however,is different! Member of two of the three asociations that organised the event,moi! Having recieved invitations (for the jazz concert,4th Dec,by this band called 'Three Raags'),from both Alliance Francaise and the Goethe Zentrum,I was almost too happy to retain my sanity!
Also,the fact that Mrs.Desai had delegated the task of escorting the band from the hotel to the Secunderabad Cluband looking after their basic requirements for the rehearsals(very basic!!).And the fact that I got to spend time with was in itself a great delight!But I guess "this" is why I am called a kiddo.Wait until u hear the entire story!
I get to the hotel about 10 minutes before my reporting time(how professional does that sound!!) only to wait at the reception for a nice long time.Having obtained the room number,I quickly usher Mishko (on the bass,French) to the restaurant for his breakfast,where I run into Suresh and Alicia (the drummer and his partner).I later go around looking for Holger (violonist,German) all around the hotel only to find him all set to check out,sitting at the lobby!I introduce myself and wait for the cab to arrive which due to some reason is late,much to the fury of Holger(europeans and punctuality!!)
In due course of time the cab arrives and we set off to the club.The jazz collective Charminar Jazz is awaiting the 'Three Raags' there at the club and I enlighten them about myself!
The equipments are brought to the ballroom where they are to rehearse and other requirements are furnished.Then after a while Alicia and I leave to explore a little bit of commercial Hyderabad( on a sunday!).We did find the teeny weeny things she was looking for,during which i learnt a lot about Italy(thats where she is from),Europe(my love!!!),her life,the band,Italian food,language,her love for Pondicherry(hats where she lives now,Auroville),and all that jazz!She asks me if I did 'the' job frequently asuming i was a part-time guide!!I tell her I was a part of the organising associations (GZ and AF) and hence the 'job'!!
We discover that the rehearsals are not yet over,once we return to the Club.The collective-Charminar Jazz was sitting in one corner.I join them to disturb their privacy (shamelessly)!I am sitting with,what i would call,the Jazz rock stars(??) of Hyderabad,the future (i mean,very near future) rage and I am as mute as a log...I do manage to ask a few hilariously dumb questions to which they were kind enough to answer (without any trace of laughter) and a joint of genuine doubts in jazz i had accumulated over the months!I would have had a solid 15-20 minutes time in hand, enough to have had a rapid fire round with a million questions and there I was,doing nothing but feeling wierd!!!Kids,i agree!!!
Then I had to leave as my job there was done, and also coz the rehearsals seemed no-where close to wind up shortly.I exit the scene,having conversed about my new-found love in Jazz with neither of the Jazz pros there!Call me whatever!I mean,I could have asked dumb doubts(i did,a few)...not like they were gonna remember me anyways,but I chose to research by myself!!ha!
Evening,mom and I go to the venue plenty of time in advance.Like we had to welcome the empty chairs and the lazy mosquitos over our jet-black hair!Trying not to be bored we exchange a few lousy "jokes".One more point that proved my "talent" was this...A friend and I are heatedly arguing about the identity of one 'dude' present there.I go "No!!!That is not Anupam!!I remember his face!This is NOT him!!",in such an agitated tone that a lady behind me was giving me wierd looks!And then the 'dude' we were discussing about,approaches us,to walk right through and give this cuppa coffee to the lady giving wierd looks.UH OH!!!!That IS Anupam ( a guy that I had exchanged numbers with at another similar event in june,in a rather sidey manner!)He had changed sooo much!Trust me!Men change quickly!And I was in all my mirth announcing to the world that "that" was not Anupam!And yes,the wierd-looks-lady was Mrs.Anupam's father!!!!I am such a dumbass!!(anyways,...we quickly sneaked outta there,assuming the world has a lot of 'other' anupams!)
Finally the concert began after a while,inundating the lawn with a mellifluous pleasure.One particular piece was so intoxicating and powerful,I involuntarily started writing a pair of verses based on the mood and feel of the music!
Hmm...all in all,it was a wonderful learning experience(to sound as cliched as possible!).How to deal with punctualilty when delay engulfs you inevitably-smile as beautifully as you can!How to communicate with silence when you want not its presence-pray for another chance to speak out!How to avoid getting bored-donot be an hour in advance!How to enjoy music to the fullest-associate it what what you like doing best(for me- writing on the mood it presents!!)!How to stop regretting your idiocy-laugh at the amusement you spread by sounding as dumb!!You're spreading laughter for heaven's sake...which is always nice!!!
HAA!!!By the way-the concert rocked.Thank you's to Goethe Zentrum,Alliance Francaise and Secunderabad Club for the eventful event!And of course-Mrs.Desai who over looked my age to delegate a task so educative(ahem!!)!!

Run logaan run!!!( 10K run 2005)

2005-11-27T22:47:00.000+05:30

I swear i didnt think i would survive even 2 kms...Tanvi and i were simply looking for the relief vans, from the start!!Nimisha and her sis passed out by the time they reached lumbini park!!!!Tanvi and i kept shifting from walking to fast walking to faster walking to slow jogging to jogging.I am so proud of myself that i actually made it all the way.10 kilometers!!!!!We started at 7.55 AM and we steppep at the finish line at abt 9.20 smthin...not a great deal.but for a beginner WITHOUT PRIOR TRAINING, its pretty nice!!
Tanny tripped and fell in between.Had to pep her up to catch up.She has a great stamina for someone that pukes everything that is consumed.nimisha and her sis still managed to keep walking despite the exhaustion...the comperers of the evnt stunk mighty big time.The lady goes "cash prize of rupissss 5,000" and "cash yawaaard".man!entertainment u bet!
Hmm...anyways...I am sure the mal functioning of my lower body is worth all the fun i had today!!I mean, i was soooo in awe of roe that he manage 10 kms last year and all that.And I did it myself!!!!seriously i tend to under estimate my own worth at times...my thighs hurt,my kness dont bend,my entire leg wont move without a wierd twist,and I am proud of my accomplishment!Infact i was so terribly proud that sooo many people participated in the run!!Nice!!I sure am in deep fun,with the myriad trouble points in my body now....

The mighty Sun's little Ray...and his new day...

2005-11-21T19:15:00.000+05:30

It was another day of discoveries,
for the young ray,that already
had danced through stories,
of tears and hopes and miseries...

It had passed through the fear-so vast
that conjusted the little girl's eyes;
through the unshed tears she amassed;
through the monster in her,He had raised...

It had passed through the smile-so rare
that faintly covered her infinite pain;
through the million questions in her stare;
through the six decades of a widowed reign...

It had passed through the ring-a pale emarald
that she wore even after all the shame;
through the endless guilt in which she dwelled;
through the poisoned arrows in her daughter's blame...

It had passed through that drop of exhaust
that sailed down his spine-aching it;
through the hours of wait-to earn it's cost;
through the lanes of exhaustion-so well lit...

It had passed through her silver anklets
that He had adorned his 'love' with;
through the pinch of his death on her palate;
through the false marriage she was bond with...

It had passed through the hair on his chest
that couldn't add up to all his regrets;
throuh the initial struggle to acquaint 'life';
throgh the conclusive pleas of a silent wealth...

It had passed through their secret wish
that was but to live away from 'now'...
through the disturbing sights of an improper intimacy;
through the depressing sound of an unvoiced love...

The ray was,now,game for more
where else was it destined to go...
what more was its journey to show...
what other stories was he to know...

Lost in Translation??

2005-11-18T17:06:00.000+05:30

"Je garde"...this song is the first French piece that I heard(learnt,sang,re-sang...)and it is a really neat one.It is by a French babe called Jennifer,who,at the time of making this song,was (not more than) 19 years of age.This song is(for me!!)perhaps the best in the entire record.She,I hear,is a teen rage in France.And if (ifff) I amn't wrong,she writes her lyrics herself aussi!
While doing the beginners' level at Alliance,our group had chosen this song to sing at the "fete de la musique"(june 2004).At that initial stage,none of us could emulate the pucca Parisian accent(specially the 'r') this lady rendered B_E_A_U_T_I_F_U_L_L_Y!!!We would sit together for hours,straining our poor throats,to attain that kind of fluency of accent,which sadly failed us!But somehow we managed to pull out a pretty good job,not necessarily sounding like a chain of blind mendicants!!
This song also fetched me super cool compliments at Ann's.I made a complete nincompoop of myself addressing a group "areeee(not arrey!)!idhar aa ge!!haule baathaan nakko kar" intellects( ok...im exaggerrating!), with this French song.Confused,amused,interested,ROTFL kind of eyes,"eh??" eyes," "I knew you were wierd,but never knew you were this wierd" kind of looks,"there she goes" looks,and there were those that supported me through this ordeal as well!But it also contributed to the (few??)trophies I have earnt at Ann's!!
Anyways,this is my first attempt at translation.The song has been modified at a few places in the desperate attempt to retain maximum of the "french" feel.But if I have done injustice to it and the "feel" is 'lost in translation' pardon me Jennifer.English is at the mercy of French any day!!And I am still a student learning the language, so I guess its justified!;-P

I guard the memories
of the pictures we never shared,
of the first attempts of smile,
rendered hastily yet yielding conquests.

I guard the surprises
that you,on me,rained,
each beautiful morning.
Your sleepy eyes,desiring me
beneath you,
every other day...

I guard our weaknesses,
that defined our "human" roots.
The futile silences,
and the language our hands shared...

There lives no unfilled space,
it's just what I "feel"...
No language can spell it right,
Only my feelings have survived...

It is this way,that
I picture the two of us-
The reflections,in my eyes (I guard)
All our laughters over a "nothing" "
The sweetness of my words "
The radiance that you spread "
The colours of the past "
The zephyr trapped in my tresses "
But,
All our nights and all the falsities-
Are what are left to stare back at us...

The song continues.But we had to stop at that,lest we scared the poor Frenchies present there!Now, I can confidently sound like a mendicant (a blind one!)BUT...with the Parisian accent(or so i believe!!)!!!!

The 'Je ne sais quoi' I'm breeding

2005-11-10T22:11:00.000+05:30

It sure is comforting to know that you are not alone.specially when you are assured that you are not the only single soul in the whole wide world to be feeling the way you do.Comforting at the same time intriguing...
It has been this way from when this academic year began,around june-july.From when i have been getting the "ha!another of those fit for nothing dreamers!!" look,when asked about "what I do".From when i have been hearing "What?You're wasting one whole year??" when i tell them i am doing language courses and other stuff, having taken a year off after my intermediate.From when i have constantly been made to feel like i didn't join any college the reason being that i was/am not fit to go to good college!!and obviously i dont expect myself to go tell every tom,mick and harry that i got through admissions at Christ's (B'lore) and Francis (Hyd) apart from standing 13 (damned number!) in the wait list of Harvard,ie, rejected, and after being given an admission in Lawrence Univ provided i increase my funds,which i didnt even consider doing.
I don't see the source for this sudden inudation of lack of direction,motivation,ambition,interest,trust,appreciation,
dedication,resolution,concentration,perseverence,discipline,
self-esteem,planning,calm,passion,'the' drive,impulse,
everything in fact to be content...
I thought i was the only one feeling so helpless and worthless.Gigantic dreams with no compass to follow.Sit about all day long doing useful nothings.Nothing socially productive.Read books if and when i feel like,solve friendly crosswords,surf the net for some god-forsaken topic (Lucifer,etymology of the word 'babooshka',eunuchs,wine making,exact pronunciation of the word-'development'[which actually is 'div-VEL-up-ment],neruda,bla bla bla),swinging in and out of wikipedia like crazy,think of doing something,think more,just think all the more and suddenly go out for a two hour walk to chacha nehru park nearby...to think of what it is that i need to be thinking passionately about...
And for the past two-three weeks this insensitivity towards most things has been driving me (us) nuts.I couldn't confide in anybody for the fear of being misread,indicating lack of trust in the person,ie,paranoia.I was under the notion that i was over reacting to nothing at all...until she came clean with it,as we were discussing something close.
We spoke about how we both go about doing charity(very religiously) every week and end up turning a blind eye to our own 'needy' people.How the passion to "do something" is fading because it has not paid off yet and also as we donot wish to be crying in the wilderness.How lack of appreciation has pinched out the urge to better ourselves.How both of us know that "who we are" is so contradictory to "who we are forced to be,and thereby end up being".How our disorganised/chaotic/vague/directionless/monotonous life is nearly driving us crazy (literally).
Why whine instead of working towards improving it? Well, that is because neither of us is sure if there is a chaos for real!!I suggested that this maniacal urge to break free be some kind of omen that we were/are missing,that is pleading to be deciphered.( yes,The Alchemist is indeed a marvelous piece of work).She pointed out to the loneliness that both of us seem to be trapped in oflate.She offered procrastination.I slipped in- lack of discipline.She blamed OCD.I jovially added MPD!!!But i believe (due to helplessness) in the fact that it is just another cheap trick played by the mind.I presume it is deliberately making us engross ourselves in highly insignificant things so that we evade "the call" that perhaps is awaiting us.And no,i have the least intentions of preaching any religious "Calling" the way Mother Teresa claimed to have received.
Nothing satisfies this urge.You don't even know what it is that you long for.But you know for the heavens that 'that something' is forever going to transform you.You just need to be unperturbed by the creepy voice that sets you in doubt by constantly chanting "you are wasting your life".You KNOW that is so untrue.But a part of you accepts that it is not all that false.You can't talk it out as you dont want the 'normally normal' people running away in disgust/fear.You know that 'this you' is not 'the you'.Still you need to hold on, cause it is all up to you to decipher that momentary 'call' that i feel is causing this inexplicable impulse to shout out to the world about the 'real you'...which still is estranged,or so it appears...
We spoke for long.I realised we weren't really world apart in this 'god-knows'what' mania.And i guess many of the 'normally abnormal' people feel the same way as well...Tricked.Caught.Confined.Caged.Played with.Misread.Ending up lost in a seemingly large network of questions which are beyond vision or reach...

To the granny i never had...

2005-11-03T13:44:00.000+05:30

To the the Granny I,now, have found

With an emporium of contentment,
there She lives discarded.
no kin or life to speak about,
She owns but her enclosed empire.

I've known her for just six days,not more
but I gather her crippled gaiety.
I could see the maniacal hope
in the her pleas at four and ninety.

Enchained by her breath,She lives on
grasping the quake life had shot.
but dregs of faith still flow her way,
She sips them in tearful submission.

I have my own little huts of dole,
which I build and break quite often.
but her's is a galactic house of woes,
in which She's trapped, with no end.

She could have seen a kin in me,
or seen a masked demon!
but She did seem to welcome me,
to seal the sight of haunting memories.

I cant wait to go back to her,
to feel the warmth of a tacit smile...
to learn the joys of the wrinkled age...
to know how exactly how to 'live' life...

Stupid Cupid!!

2005-10-29T22:52:00.000+05:30

It was a beautiful Summer dawn...The sun waking up with its hazy rays streching out.The birds yawning wide to welcome the day.The trees swaying as the happy winds race through gently...

He wakes up to see
the angry face of hers
She drops a dish intentionally
and starts out to curse

The tiny pup,barely days old,hops n runs about, as its tiny booty oscillates."She'll grow up to win just too many hearts", the mommy dog thinks as she looks with pride at her Little Princess

"why would you even think
of moving your lazy butt?
so long as you just eat and drink
we'll never grow out of this hut"

The ants marching along the corners of the walls...those two cozy anties there,rubbing their weeny noses and exchanging "my apple pie-my sugar berg" looks and parting at once in total anonymity...

"Stop your usual song
and stand by me for once
I agree I was totally wrong
but I had to quit that dunce"

The indecent intimacy they shared made the she pigeon blush."he has a wierd beak...but what the heck,he's a rare find"..true.it isn't everyday that one finds someone who can make u fall in love wid yourself.

"Dont you blame my bro
for your faults inborn
he just wanted you to grow
and you quit!you dim moron!!"

The dew drop that was jamming on top of the baby leaf,lost balance and glided through the loaded breeze to emerge into the pond with a surprise filled "tip"...she just found her "other drop!"

"oh yea!You are always right!
and true,I'm a ne'er do well
but your freaking lust to fight
will sure drag you to hell!!"

The flower was almost on the wane,as the bee was unusually late.The breeze tried to calm her down but it was only the sight of the bee that made her glow encore.he came-She saw- He conqured!!

"Oh!!Hell??? That's where I live;
and I'm no witch to whine
I just dont like the reasons you give
for not finding a job thats 'fine' "

The chicks giggled as the mommy hen woke up with sheer panic and looked shocked and lost as the rooster dadda stealthily picked her back to wake her up!The mommy sulked as she registered that the chicks were in the act too!Dadda runs after her...

"It's not like I've been so forever
and its not long until I win.
thought we'd deal with this together
now I realise how wrong I have been..."

She swallowed a lump of guilt,but the next one was ready to be swallowed,and the knots kept on forming.He now understood what exactly she meant everytime she said "You are very clumsy with your words".His eyes shut in regret and he let out a deep sigh.The tap stopped watering the dishes and her eyes took over the job.

"ok.I didn't mean it that way
but I'm equally worried
I just want to let the past go
but you dig up what for me is buried"

" I have always been by you
and the rest you know as well
I just pray these days are few
and that you-you too end up in hell!!"

He, as always, took time to get there.She loved the look on his face everytime she would say smthing quick and he would go blank trying to de-code the shot.He looked away,smiling and shaking his head in disbelief.He loved her wit.She loved that priceless look on his face which read " Wait!!Dont get mad...I need time to understand"...Her hands were soapy,so he wiped away her wet nose...The soap now transferred onto his shirt!Stupid Cupid!

kutty crypto anybody??

2005-10-27T20:41:00.000+05:30

well...for all those that have completed my first attempt at crypto with the previous post "Not your fault", here goes another kutty verse.I have deliberately excluded the usage of punctuation marks and other rules, so it takes AT LEAST five minutes to solve this starter!!and for the ones that promptly misplace paper cryptos,this must help you out!(different versions welcome!)

fb ybat nf v jnag gb ybir
v nz obhaq ol jverf bs terrq
v nz gelvat gb evfr nobir
gb or jvyyvat gb gnxr gur ibj-gung
v funyy yvir jvgubhg univat gb cyrnq

words of wisdom form the classic chienne 2!!!( A title showered on me by a friend of mine,rajitha!)...

the (k)night's untied...

2005-10-24T10:09:00.000+05:30

You proved worthy of the trust
that I in You had sown.
when in the morning's mist
and as the sun and earth kissed,
just Your thots I'd adorn.

You kept your word at it
and didn't step out of there
where I had locked you strict
so I could live a bit
until we hit our pair.

I'm done with one whole day
of keeping Your thots well tied.
and now as the silence reigns
and as the shadows fade
I dare to unlock the door wide.

You descend with a mighty right
like You were born to live
in my thoughts black or white
with no reasons to cite
or no barter to give!

And still You're always welcome
coz its an angel I'm hosting
Satan's very own tantrum
has found himself a nice home
and no waters is He testing.

(i dint hav to whine
until You stay where I put You,
coz it's not a long time
until I come to Your rescue.)

Now, at the first touch of grey
in the sky above so bright
the thoughts that were at bay
are shot from everywhere
I retire to the Ruler of the night...

The distance of our thots,
the silence of this route,
the peace between the knots,
are they plotted by the gods?
or are we designed to refute???

Duas at patny...

2005-10-21T14:11:00.000+05:30

Patny signal.
110 seconds more.
11.30 AM
moi, im in this auto (thanx to the early morning drama the grand old bike had to throw at me), very joyfully floating across the thought of crossing the b-e-a-t-i-f-u-l stretch of hussainsagar...idyll...idylll...idllll....
100 seconds.
He approaches me in a very steady pace.He (just like me) remembers pretty well how many times i have escaped him, by just a fraction of a second(timely green signals,i tell you!).I try to sport the bestest 'sod-off-i'm-so-indifferent-to-your-obvious-presence-'look (with a raised eyebrow).He stays there, right palm upwards at about 30 cm distance from me.I now sport the 'ok.i'm trying hard to ignore you.don't distract me'look.damn!i gulped as well.Now he knows i'm just pretending.
75 seconds.
he starts,
"amma aur bava acche rehte.bhai, behen ek dum mast!tum log alag hai;hum logon ko qaali dua dena hi aatha.tum paddhaai ki fikar mat karo.top class!ladka aatha ab,mast jodi hungi.humaarku shaadi waadi nahi hoti naa amma,is vaasthe dua karte tum logon ke liye.kya bhi dethe, diyo."
50 seconds
i dared to look up at him.Pink and white saree+matching blouse(reminded me of one of satya paul's creation i got see on tv!), black skin,green and maroon bangles,vermillion bottu,bell-shaped ear rings,a lovely satchel,straight face,well done eyebrows,rouge spread all over the face ,a lipstick 2-3 shades darker than the one on his face,a string of pearl around his not-so-feminine neck,and the look of 'the ball is in your court'.
i choose to observe all this yet remain indifferent.The glance could have lasted for not more than two seconds.then his hand extended to being 3 cm away from mine.One long hair on his hand was almost touching my hand.I murmur something, which he denies and stands there fixedly.I articulate properly next, he doesn't budge.The scooterist next to me gives me sympathetic looks.The auto wallah staring so hard from the mirror i thought his eyes would go out of order any moment.
30 seconds.
He repeats the same set of 'duas' again so i know what are all the benefits i will beget by giving him 'whatever i wish to give'.
10 seconds.
now, he's actually touching me and is getting closer by the second.
I am sporting the 'hehe!i'll be gone in 10 seconds look'.
8 seconnds.
This guy panics as i try to budge his hand off mine, coz the signal now reads 5 seconds.
the auto starts.i begin to let out a deep sigh coz the auto will move in 2 seconds.
yipeeee!!!go go GOOO!!!!!
hello??auto uncle??green signal???GO DAMN IT!!!!!
The autowallah was so busy staring into the mirror, that he gave a solid 2 seconds time for this fellow to jump and sit into the auto.thisss close to me!!im panicking.the auto is moving."stop the auto in a corner damn!!!".Done.
auto stops.this guy is holding on to the auto so we wont ditch him!!smartass!I'm digging into my huge bag.Now this guy goes,
"dus pe ek maarke do amma!"
yea right!Take my wallet sweety!(thankfully it had only 60 bucks,then!hehe!)I did and dig, finally there shines this kadak ten ka note.I hate giving away crisp notes!!!"no, look arournd.dispose all the change you have..."i say myself.dig dig dig!faster!he's getting sooo close!!damn!!!
Aaaah!!Finally!A less crisp note with four 25 paise coins.I give it away like he deserved it more than i needed it!Yea rite!!Just let him get down and i'll kill the auto guy later for his absent mindedness!he finally gets off and actually touches my head with one more special offer dua!
" tumhare bacche bahot khoobsoorat rehte amma.tum dekho!"
Im like "what??I couldn't care less how my kids look, so long as they aren't as dumb as me to give away 11 bucks to get rid of a smartass eunuch that manipulated me into falling for his senti touch!!"
Damn!I missed the sight of tank bund, coz of this wierd thingy!I have done this before as well.I fall for all such shitty 'duas' by just another mortal.It can also be a normal gesture to 'help' the poor.But what bugs me is that I kind of have this feeling that they mean it when they say such stuff,like they really wish me well!Is something like 'i'm so stupid, i trust everybody' written all over my face??or is it just that I need to get a little more immune to such attacks??Or does the whole world work that way-"i'll wish you well, and you do what you can do to help me out"??Or is it me thats reading too much into a matter that can pass off as a 'part and parcel of life??whatever it is, he couldn't possibly know what for me is a 'dua' or how i define 'ek dum mast' and 'mast jodi' or 'top class' or 'khoobsoorat bacche'.Man!I'm so naive!No,wait!may be I'm just so unwilling to learn...

MY IDUMBA- THE SISTER (F)ACT...

2005-10-18T22:05:00.000+05:30

After a real long time i had the opportunity to cry, yesterday.Why? Well...much that i hate to say this, I have started to miss my dumbass capricorn sista!My eyes do swell up quite often, for itsy bitsy reasons.But this was "tear"fulll...
Mom kept telling me that she missed vids from the very next day that she left, and i only consoled her (giggling within myself at her melodramatic maternal instincts), and pulled her along. I swear i didnt think I would miss her as much as i realise i do now.As in, i did feel empty for the first two-three days, but this is inexplicable.
I realise how mom feels, although i still laugh at her at times.I understand that i can, as well, be prone to tears for something as silly as this.I guess it is plainly because of the fact that she and I, began having fun only in the last few months.
The never-ending shoppings, the yellings, the fights,the giggles,the glances of "I'm gonna miss you" occasionally, the cooking sessions,the bitchings about our 'near and dear" ones, the checking-out "stuff",
the fun we had!!!
I can't wait to stand outside the loo with a handfull of water waiting for her to open the door and 'splash' it on her face, and the way she'd burst into laughter!She never even tried to discover the fact that I am as easily tickled as she is!But,at times i was scared she would stop breathing coz she laughed so hard!I am lonely now, whenever there comes a time when i would tell to myself that 'i will not carry on this, with my children'as mom does/says something unpleasant.It was she that started this tradition!I really admired the ease with which she tackled certain problems, even as she indulged in those precarious pleasures that came along in the life of a 'sociable' 21 yr old.I have stopped kneading dough coz i don't get those compliments no longer as to how well chapathis turn out when i knead the dough.
I wish she were here, so i could tell her that i miss her all the more coz it's only now, that i have so much more to share with her.Now, that i have become the official owner of our dokku bandi, i will need her advice as to how to tackle the tantrums it throws when least expected.I realise she didnt always over-do the act of complaining about the obsolete bike!I hate to be like this, but then she sure is my darling old sissy.I realise now how cruel i have been at times,when we would have a biting argument over some trivial issue and how we would dig up each others most personal and painful episode to get back at each other.You would ,at most instances, come to sort it out, and i would just exacerbate it by stinging you again.But it was never meant to be that way.It was so, only coz u would dig up things i would love to forget and bury.I have been pretty insensitive when it came to solving issues, and i am growing up to accept my idiocy.
You are a bitch and i am but your sister!But the little caring doggy within you is what i miss the most.Three years fly by quickly so you return back home and so i fly away somewhere far, giving you the chance to write to me something as cloying as this!Love you,idumba!

MORE STATEMENTS TO PONDER ABOUT

2005-10-16T15:36:00.000+05:30

Hmm.Updates from “Ma Vie”. Pretty comforting to know, that Ma Vie is already inundated with ‘priceless’ words, spoken by priceless peeps!! And then there are those words that stare into your eyes, conveying exactly what is obvious. Few profound one’s mocking at you to dig deep, deep, and deeper to understand the actual meaning! Others, having relative meanings, depending on how bright the lights of your brain glow. So, this is how ‘Ma Vie’ works. You speak (sense), Ma vie records!!
Anyway, I have to begin this post with the teeny wise words of my ‘former’ student Niharika-the Gemini. Usual after tuitions, teenage talk-time and this lady vomits these words completely out of no where! She goes,
“Divya man…Nothing seems to surprise me now-a-days; nothing at all!!!”
It can easily pass off as just another sentence if you choose to evade its not-so-obvious depth. I mean, it isn’t often that things take us by surprise, right? Most things that we experience has already been experienced, read about, seen, written about, and so the element of surprise is just so priceless to us now…

Poof! Now comes Mr. Karl Marx himself. I am so sure a couple of my ‘witty’ friends can relate to this principle of Marx (sad I can’t include his zodiac!)
“Merciless criticism of everything existing.”
Ahem…with all due respect, I guess with two and more decades of life on earth anybody would resort to this kind of a principle, right??

Third comes yd. Well, I could have put this piece as the first one, but then I don’t wish to be called ‘biased’ no!! So, this title given to me by Ms. Aquarius herself, thoroughly satisfies my leonine traits!!
“You are like a tequila shot!!”
Ahem…neither of us can claim to know the spice of tequila shot in reality. But then, we all know how it works right! So like that, I, at times, pep her up and beget such priceless titles! Boy!! What more could a Leo ask for!

Well…No matter how filmy the following episode sounds, it did happen to me! Here’s this totttal tapori kid (around 11-12 years of age) skating around the Maha apartment of ours, bossing over the oh-so-obedient mortals playing about and guiding the people who get lost in our huge apartment. This oldie comes up to me and asks me to guide him to this Mr.Rahiman. A name unheard?? Nah...Such a soul did not exist in the complex. I informed him that nobody of that name lived in any of the 120+ houses there. He wanted to leave but stayed back to chat up with an 11 yr old kid! We would have spoken for like 30 minutes or so and suddenly this chap goes
“ jaane ka hai beta…aapke jaise aur bahot logon se milna hai, unko bhi zindagi sikhana hai. Yeh ek baat yaad rakho saab, is dil ko kaaboo mein rakho.aapki hogi saari duniya…iske harkathon se anjaan hi raho beta…”
Obviously as an 11 yr old, I just giggled and went on skating. Now it intrigues me night and day. For all you know he could be some psycho family-reject, who goes about saying such stuff to kids, but it didn’t come across that way. May be he was some seer who could foresee my future and compass my ‘inconsolable needs’ and had come to warn me before hand. Jokes apart, this bloke still haunts me big time. Mocking at me every time I am bitten, warning me every time I am gonna be…

One of the many ‘old’ friends I have, this Gemini can never get enough of ‘kidding’ around! Roeheat, comme tu as voulu, tu as maintenant un blog (pas entière) mais for the time being, c’est suffisant. Yeah…so almost anything this fella says could go into Ma vie. (Not all for their sensibility though!) So, here’s what he’s got to say when we were discussing the lyrics of a not-so-knightly song
“Chivalry and equality cannot exist together. If you want chivalry, then accept that you aren’t equal. You want to be equal, don’t expect chivalry. Only of the two is offered.”
Wah Wah!!Much that I would love to negate that, I have to applaud! Who ever thought chivalry sprouted from a condescending outlook rather than, from respect.
How about this…
“By constantly agreeing with me, you leave no scope for further discussion. So don’t always agree with me!!”
Dude! When I agree-I agree, when I don’t I just shut up. At least then, that was the case. But this piece of your mind surely has taught me more than what it literally means. Looks like a subtler version of Bob Marley’s ‘stand up for your rights’!!

Aaah! How could I miss out on this! Kedar, the Piscean ‘old’ friend of mine whose “scheming” tricks are invincible, and is perfect(??) in dealing with damsels in distress (as he puts it)! But this was definitely one of your best, man!! Hats off!
“Democracy is like a wife of 15 yrs. You can’t love her afresh, and it’s too late to start hating her…”
I mean, yeah! At once convincing and controversial. Can’t wait to see Swe’s reaction to that… (Gotta warn you Mr.), but this surely was something!

Paulo Coelho sahib. Too much. Now, that’s what I would call a statement to ‘ponder’ about. Ripped off the pages of The Alchemist, this statement induces a never before dose of trust in the otherwise paranoid me…
“When you want something, all the universe conspires in helping you to achieve it”…
I guess I have to leave it there to retain its beauty.

Back to the wise lady I know…I have been thinking this over for a long long time now, though I haven’t come up with something to support it, I don’t, at least, totally deny it.
She believes that,
“For any bond to click, you need to be worth each other…”
Worth as in…worth each other’s sensitivity, sensibility, vulnerability, compassion, trust, ideals, expectations, wisdom, naïveté, passion, blah blah blah…

Well…somehow, the art of making statements and the people who practice this art, the two are just fading away…at least from my sight:-D…And the ones that are hyped about, given all kinds of titles and called unnecessarily the Pop of our country make anything but statements…Double standard beeps! Ahem…ok…As I was saying, the Pop (Hell! I would so love to add another letter there!!!) of our nation, perhaps could claim to have made just one stupidly interesting statement… “I don’t ask others to do things, that I can’t do myself”…
Never mind…I’ll give him his space! And hope more and more people that are smart enough to get into Ma Vie, get in touch with me…After all what is life but for pondering about the statements uttered by some dope ( at times some egghead) and making sense out of it…(which he/she would never have thought about making!!)…

The same old story...

2005-10-11T23:18:00.000+05:30

What makes you unlike,
the thorn i had bred?
What keeps you away,
from the hell i had embraced?
What dreams do you sell,
that i have not yet suffered?
What pains do you shower,
that has never breezed my way?
What tears do you promise,
that i have not yet worn?
The same old hopes,
and endless wishes.
The same old dreams,
and seeming chances.
The same old tricks,
and poisoned joys...
The same old story
of an eternal wait...

German fun!!

2005-10-03T21:56:00.000+05:30

Oh boy!! Was it fun or what!! It’s an entirely different story that my legs refused to put one step further at the very sight of the ever so inviting cushiony bed!! The day brought me in contact with a variety of things. It made me more aware of how I react to certain circumstances, people, attitudes and it also gifted me with lots of new friends, enlightenments about the German lifestyle (at least a little) and of course the German food!!
Well…Being one among the many volunteers, I reached the German center at around 9.15 AM on the bright (later sweltering) Saturday morning. We were to celebrate the 15 years of German unification which falls on the 3rd of October. Since Saturday appeals more than a Monday does, the occasion was to be celebrated in advance. Decked up in the tee that the volunteers had chosen to sport on the day, we had started to finish up with all the last moment teeny weenie works! The few of us in charge of the food stall that was to be set up, started out with teeming up the table cloths, checking which design claimed more attention and which one seemed sober and mum, rejoicing on gaining the approval of the professor when his/her match was okayed!
Dot 10.30 as scheduled the program started, with a short speech by the director, Mrs. Amitha Desai followed by the few moments utter anticipation as the chief guest Mr.Narsingh Rao, adorned the canvas that was hung up against a wall to paint his views on the theme. Then as the junta came and went and as we served them the exotic German delicacies (partially hand made by Frau.Kapoor and partially ordered), the amount of fun we had was immeasurable! We went on incessantly with the hard core banter, teasing the hell out of each other. Betting our lives at having a blast and not worry about the otherwise prominent exhaustion surrounding us. Guess the black tee added to the quagmire, in union with the seemingly generous “surya”!!!
Being located in a building with more than one government offices, the German center (at least the food dept!) enjoyed the presence of a few really “poker faced” customers!! They relieved all their life long frustration of not being able to discover other cultures due to their monotonous work schedules on “young discoverers” by snatching the coupons, being a wee bit cranky and similar stuff. But our fun attitude didn’t budge an inch. We infact had a blast over that as well. Here comes this man, dressed in a white shirt with a crisp satin of crimson red “shimla guthka”, along with his partner. They make their order and as they await their source of joy, discuss and debate among themselves, speaking the native tongue of Andhra, conveniently assuming none of us aboard spoke or understood the language, as to whether we (hard core Indian students of the German center) were Germans who flew down for the occasion or were Germans settled in India!!The look on their “badly exploited by government” faces was worth a million bazillion dollars, when I served them their order with the bestest of smiles I could sport, followed by the words “idigOndi mee apfel strudel, inka mee potato salad. Mee fruit punch akkadnunchee teeskondee”….Boy… The occasional pieces of Mozart’s undeniable magic, playing in the interiors of the center,(our stalls were very thoughtfully placed outside to allure the not-so-informed lot!) came as a strong source of relief and joy to me!
Then came the turn of the cute little kiddos(yes, for once “ I ” am NOT the kiddo!!!), who very gingerly approached the stalls with a fat wallet (nice to live with parents!), in two minds as to which pleasure to taste first! We used all our marketing strategies (on kids!!!!!!!) to sell one portion of everything (not like all kids fell for our “polished skills!).
Ahem!I can’t claim to have known their names ( the German stuff we were selling) any earlier than a week ago, but all the same we kind of smiled every time an (ignorant??)Indian (who wasn’t a part of the German center) approached the food counter asking for a biscuit/biskoot/biskeet (for the apfel strudel), even worse raitha ( for the potato salad)…Then goes the explanation era, where in we would very diligently explain to the inquisitive soul what it was made of and what it was called!
The day went on like that, until around seven we wound up the stalls. The happenings inside the center were also almost over, now that the movie had also reached the end! We stripped the tables off their (once-so-called) covers. All the superfluous items were sent back to the supermarket. The chairs were arranged. And the menial tasks that the volunteers and the staff very proudly did in union! We hanged around to render the last dose of our otherwise low-running energy level to the unanimous “hurray” that we were all supposed to yell when the three cheers were offered to all the “deserving candidates”!!!
I can assert without fear of being haunted by guilt that being a part of annny association or organization is one of the best ways to have the element of educative fun in life. Especially when you are a part of more than one association, you are bound to become an addict of straining your facial muscles with the eternal smile (occasionally because of a sadistic pleasure too!!!) This day is surely going to be bejeweled with the choicest of gems in my priceless book of truly “treasured” memories!

NOT YOUR FAULT...

2005-09-25T17:02:00.000+05:30

It's not what you see,
not what you believe.
It's not what it looks like,
not what it shows.
It's not an act complete,
not all of it atleast.
It's not a nasty lie,
not anywhere close to one.

deceiving your eyes,
in an immaculate mask,
vigilant in wearing it well,
yearning to discard it,
awaiting "those" eyes...

It's not all it's fault,
not even a wee bit.
It's not even your's,
it's hidden that well!
It's not easy to distrust
a perfectly covered scar.
It's not easy to spot-behind
the night's clouds,a star...

Gawd...i've never once given out so much in one shot!
wonderin if 'the' catch is caught...
me glad even if 'it's not'...

Coluche's words-still spoken in silence

2005-09-16T22:37:00.000+05:30

Hmm...
well...alliance has done wonders to me...i've met the creepiest creeps there.some lovely peeps.some more havin me drool over them like that.others inspiring me.and those that hav managed to make me cry coz of no fault of mine.anyways,the point i'm tryin to make here is that, while i was asked to gather some info on a topic given,i accidentally ran into these words.these words uttered by the french comedian-philanthropist named Coluche.these words which i guess were uttered by nearly every indian thats around my parents' age.these words which still are spoken in silence in parts of the world.
"Quand j'étais petit à la maison,le plus dur c'était la fin du mois.Surtout les trente derniers jours."
which can be very poorly translated to,
"When i was young,(at home)the end of month was the most dificult period.Specially the last thrity days."
I am so glad my mom and dad have no clue of my blog.if they did, i would definitely have them nodding and tearful.Also thankful that times have changed!hmm...

Human "hunger" !

2005-09-13T15:45:00.000+05:30

SITUATION:
I'm utterly defeated! I could not refute,contradict or attack yd's (un)timely response to our hours of futile discussions about "what-to-do"!
REASON:
At this kutty chat eatery,we were having our "talks";discussing what should be done for us to get over our once-in-a-while pangs of "oh-gawd!He's-jus-so-perfect!"...I just say, "try this yd,its yummm" as i relished a mouthful of ragda papdi.She just zaps me saying,"see?when you are hungry,anything seems yummm"!!!!
(its a different issue that the ragda padi was really yumm!)
REACTION:
Caught big time man!No answer to that super move of her's!Now i am back with my response to the smart move and with my take on "hunger"!
so...here goes MY version:
MY DEFINITION:
Hunger (contextually though!ahem!!)is a state which is achieved gradually,due to the deprivation of food,not as food in itself,but of food which satiates the "hunger".
MY EXPLANATION:
One may silence the "hunger" with whatever it is that is available at that point of time,but satiety is achieved only when "that" food is given which appeals to the appetite.
(NEGATION):
But when you're no longer hungry,why even think of satiating your hunger with food you like??
(RESPONSE):
Thats coz,hunger is not completely satisfied with chillar stuff!It is only (ONLY) when a tamil soul smells thayirsaadam that satiety is attained!(Now try and negate that!!)
hmm....ok...thats that!now...my take:
ROUND 2:
1)When satiety is guaranteedby,what you think,oops!nope!, by what you 'know' is on the platter,why wait until you're famished?
2)On a scale of H-U-N-G-E-R, where one starts out with 'H' when least hungry,to reach 'R' when it is at its alarming heights,I would say i am(as of now) some where between 'U' and 'N'...that is H-U-and half an 'N'.I am not dying outta hunger,but i still feel a part of it.Does that mean i cannot relish what i feel i may never get (if not now)?Do i have to wait until i have reached 'R' to grab 'the' food?(ahem!!we do use *grab* with food right??)
What if someone else gets to enjoy it in the mean while??
3)When what you know will satiate you best,is put right across you, you are bound to drool! and you are forced to be attracted to have it all irrespective of your level of hunger or its availability!
4)Your hunger does not make it inviting.It is inviting coz it promises you satiety.You are attracted to it whether or not you're famished for it shall (or so u know) fulfil your "hunger".
5)What appeals to you appeals to you at any given point.That is the reason it appeals to you all the more.Coz you drool over it at any level of hunger.And that is what makes you wanna take a bite of it, no-matter-when!
6)The same ingredients as in "the" food, are used in the making of a myriad others...But, what makes you surrender to 'this' one,is the proportion in which they are used,which cannot be changed in the other food either!Hence,it is humanly impossible to satiate 'the' hunger with chillar combination/proportion of the very same ingredients,coz the magic is lost then!
7)Why would anyone want to think twice before eating food?coz anyway food is meant to be eaten.moreover, when your desire to relish the food meets the food's pleasure of being eaten by the connoisseur, why bloody wait???
(NEGATION):
Is food meant to be eaten only by connoisseurs??
(RESPONSE):
That is not what is meant here.When fine cuisine meets the skilled taste buds of a gourmet, the quality and the purpose of food is well extracted by him.Not every body can relish fine cuisine.It takes a gourmet to do that!
8)Hunger needs food.(royal food is more than welcome).Royal food is right in front of hopeful eyes and watering mouth.Would it be just to turn the yes away and shut the mouth with a cheap substitute?and deprive the food some royal pleasure of being appreciated and enjoyed???

CONCLUSION:
'It" is yumm NOT coz I am hungry. 'I' am hungry NOT coz something yummm is within my reach.but, when i AM hungry and when something yummm IS at my disposal,I can by all means own it, right?(provided, it is 'out' to be owned by some hungry soul!)

PS: yd...i don think u will ever ever think og hunger again( if u knw wat i mean!) coz anyway, hungry that we are, we always deny ourselves the sumptuous meals ot there!And ya! it is always only when we are tired of being hungry, that "the" food gets more and more available!!!

A Sacred Sin

2005-09-07T20:19:00.000+05:30

She danced with grace,
on an ocean of living thorns.
She smiled every instant,
at biting,reproachful glances.
Swam against every current,
trusting but the power above.
She most joyfully gave-
her all, to culpating souls.
She walked- head held high
on a rope with ends aflame.
She picked the thorns in her way,
and voila!they were flowers!
She did but commit a "sin"...
by wishing to live for others...
She'd tear her heart to stop the guilt.
She'd scream in pain,and choke herself.
She'd stone herself that she had sinned...
sinned so her branches could win...

Funny Funny!

2005-09-04T20:37:00.000+05:30

Isn’t it funny how the ever so perfect human brain royally mistakes a conspicuous shallow for a treasured profundity! It conveniently chooses to convince itself, that there lies something enigmatic and alluring underneath the obvious projection! What’s even funny is that every time the brain learns the “truth”, it invariable regrets not having expected the unexpected!
Isn’t it funny how I can never get enough of proving my intuitions right, and that too by indulging in the expected, and by being proven that it was ‘not’ what my anti-intuition side had preached; but was exactly what I was warned about…What’s even funny is that I can never be able to decide if I’ve got to be glad or sad about it; glad that my intuition won (yet again) or sad that I was badly defeated (yet again)!
Isn’t it funny how humans can remain so under-educated about the most evident! How hours of frivolous enlightenment is chosen over a single moment of silent submission to the truth! How even the world’s richest knowledge loses out when it comes to de-coding the not-so-Delphic screams of the mute glance…
Isn’t it funny when you know the person sitting right next to you can never be closer than that! When you know that he sees nothing in you to realize that he is the one that makes you blind to all the rest sitting around you; what’s even funny is that all the others that I am blind to, get to see the blindness you induce in me…sad you are blinded by the sight of the rest…

the "thought"ful mating!

2005-09-01T00:41:00.001+05:30

It elopes with another
to give birth to yet another;
and so i'm raising countless-
every instant, it grows boundless!

I give in to the pleasure of thinkin,
but it's so quick i'm left half-way through;
even there i'm only thinkin,
about how fast it grew,and zap-jus flew!

Selfish is exactly what it is,
coz it links with another and drags me there;
and the choice of connection is totally its,
meaning-i'll end up i don't know where!

It always sheets my mind.
I don't know how they mate!
But when they do,all im left with,
is a 'clan' of thoughts!My fate!

Does 'it' dictate my evolution?
or do i rule its linking quest?
Oh!but it won't get no emancipation,
for then i'll live an eternal rest!

It flies,it hides,it builds and unfolds;
never once does it stop to breath...
It wanders, it shows,it teaches it holds-
My life.Dont ever stop to breathe!

His world...his deeds...his weeds...

2005-08-30T11:04:00.000+05:30

He who comprehends not
what his neighbour speaks;
what world will he conquer,
but for the world of solitude!

He who cares not a wee,
for what his co-breathers seek,
what issues will he solve,
or initiate a world idyllic!

He who gathers not the tongue
of honesty, but prefers facts farce,
what truth will he announce
to the world that thinks his way!

He who quits the flower
that had but one a thorn,
what bunch will he make-when
thorns are all he's left with!

He who lives in a world-his own
can better no other world,before
rooting the weeds that in his world have grown.
weeds unwanted. or weeds he had sown!

MAD ARE WE??? MAD??? AH!!OUI!! MAD!! OUR VIES!! MAD AVIS!!

2005-08-28T01:58:00.000+05:30

(Mad! ah! yes!) (Mad our lives!!) (Mad opinion)
I don’t like this lady! Not even like I hate her! As in, I am so sure she has her own strong points, despite the fact that she really does not let even one of them surface. No no …may be I am the one who is unable to see them; or may be I am so busy noticing her faults that I fail to collect them. But, on the other hand, in all the months that I have known her I can’t seem to even spot a single trace of something close to being laudable. I know this is pure exaggeration, but I can’t get myself to be good to her anymore. So why don’t I regard her as a nice lady?? I don’t know man! May be because of all these weird stuff she does??
OK. Do women in their mid-thirties and young girls in their late teens-early twenties share a common topic of discussion?? Usually, may be. But sometimes, no! Arre…so face it! Here we are, two young girls(yd n i) talking about our female acquaintances and their stupid guys and topics like blogging and our observations about the other classmates and blah blah blah…and this *mad?ah!oui!* lady suddenly gets up from her chair with a rather vexed face and leaves us both telling us that we were two inane youngsters monopolizing the conversation and discussing topics that didn’t interest her!! I mean HELLO!!!! How about choosing your “gang” right? Or how about telling sommmmething interesting once-in-a-while so we know you can speak? or best…how about excusing yourself without having to be jealous of us, cause we can discuss stuff you are no longer entitled to discuss about(or so its said!)…Gawd! I felt like yelling back at her, “Oh gee! You know what? I am gonna go home at once and ask my parents to get me married before our next class…so I can sit here with you, wait back after class and discuss other “interesting” and “mature” stuff with you!”. Or something like… “Oh yeah?? If you felt so left out, why don’t you get yourself to participate? Like we were holding a mike and it was our moral responsibility to royally invite you to honour us with a word or two!!!”…or even better, “Please leave then!! And for Christ’s sakes don’t expect us to invite you into a conversation! Especially if you are looking for one that involves husband-whine-time or something like that!” Its like, I feel like an imbecile myself, with many friends of mine! And in their company when I can’t add or attack, I at least react with interest! but this soul cannot stand annny topic man! …An added icing is that ever so annoying unprintable (if that is an accepted word!) noise she makes (with her Cancerian mouth!) that soooo efficiently serves its purpose of expressing her distaste or disgust about the topic dealt with then! Babes!!(‘Babe’akka rather!)…get a life!
And this woman actually has the guts to ask me if am gonna continue with my studies in the future! Yaa???…I have taken a year off to settle for the best choice and I have myriad reasons that forced me to set this year aside, but how could she actually ask ME if I were gonna study any further?? I felt like just tilting the hot cuppa coffee that was in my hand on to her dim white kurta and walk away like nothing ever happened. But my mom wouldn’t approve of such revenge…so I had to conclude the absurdity with one dirty look that I graced her with! Arre! This is worse than the time when she reminded me about the 5 bucks that I owed her !Galthi se ek bar I shared an auto with her, and the meter read some 30 rupees or something. She stuffed a 20 ka note into my hand and said she had no change! I even offered to give her change then and there (sixth sense, may be!), but she said she was in a hurry and she just left! Not like I had forgotten about it the next day in class. I was actually asking a friend of mine to exchange two five ke coins with a ten ka note! Before even I could dig my wallet she comes up to me and goes, “Divya? Have you got the five rupees that was due from yesterday??”. I have seen strange creatures in college and all that, but this piece here looked to me like she needed serious help da! I am not dealing with the amount I owed her, or she might have genuinely wanted the 5 bucks, but it is just that I was seriously shocked with the kind of authoritative tone she used then! These are times when I consider the option of clinical psychology to major in!
Retrospection sure makes you want to await another similar incident, so you can get back at them properly! OK! Fine…she is not all that bad! But then yes, just like I kind of get the hint when someone doesn’t really appreciate my presence or is not very fond of my attitude or company, I quit the place; I hope it was that way with all of us! I don’t gel with a certain kind of people. I gel best with a certain kind of breed! And I do not ever want to associate myself with the other kinds of creatures! So? It is for my good and for the other’s comfort that I refrain from embarrassing myself and make the other person feel awkward!
But this lady is like really hopeless! She is so problematically far yet so hauntingly present that I have to plead myself to make peace with her presence every time! I have not one clue of how I am gonna resolve this pain in my neck! I guess comme toujours, I am gonna try and crawl my way up the hill of discovering her better points (no…no pessimism any more, therefore I wont say, “if any”!!) I will make it a point that every time she stays back after class, if I am there then ( I won’t say god forbid also!), I will take care to see that I don’t get pissed, I might in fact try( real real hard) to pullllll her into a conversation! Yea…I’m telling it now, but I donno what my haal is gonna be then! All the same, I have learnt a grand lesson from this *mad?are we?* lady! And that lesson shall come handy when I get to my thirties (ohhh myyy goooodd!!!nahiiiiiiiii!).
Whatever! Somebody just go tell her that it is not very often that I make a kill-list and when I do, it is rather justifiable! I wonder on how many peoples kill-list I’ll find my name! I’m so sure there are many thirsting my end! Ha-ha! I hope all those dodos get to meet my game (our malignant cancer’ian) so they’ll know how less worthy I am of their distaste for me!

THE OPEN STEALTH

2005-08-22T22:46:00.000+05:30

Now, Its beyond repair…
Destroyed it all with my bare hands…
But even now I hardly care;
My psyche-none understands.

I built the society,
And now, it is the thing I dread.
I worship it like my deity,
I must please it till I’m dead.

I invented money,
Now it identifies me.
I’d kill no matter how many,
To get as rich as I can be.

One end I’m stinking rich,
Decked in diamonds head to toe.
The other end-life’s the ditch,
No smiles or joys do I know.

I tend to overdo,
The act of earning wealth.
Anybody for it I’ll woo,
You know it’s an open stealth!

Why do u think I’ll bother???
When you have nothing to wear…
When you have no food to gather,
When you have no place to stay (in).

Why should I be sharing???
When my dozen maids are to be paid…
When my laundry bills are soaring…
When my life’s just being made…

It’s not that I won’t help you…
But now is just not the time.
But when with all my wants I’m through,
I’ll sure lend you a dime.

I’ll make you well, just wait & see;
But I can’t let you grow.
Coz if you do any better than me,
I’ll have no where to go.

Oh god!I gotta wait another year now!

2005-08-20T09:07:00.000+05:30

Perfect???Shut up!Miles more than perfect!It was kind of more like an interesting revelation than an "expensive" pleasure this year!
Well...First things first...The count...Whoaa!!!The count has increased pretty well this year man!30 true wishes!I actually have earnt myself whole bunch of priceless amis/amies...Nice...But sad that all of `em have to put up with me!
Ravi calls 10 minz before time and expresses his surprise at the fact that the cell was not engaged!yea rite!Thats wat i call a ShaaNa mumbaikar!
Shaista calls exxxxxactly at 12!glad to hear her ever so chirpy voice!then comes Tanvi's call...whining about not being the first one to wish me(like that counts!)...
kahaani mein twisht!the door bell rings jus then!once-twice-thrice...i rush to get the door sweating head to toe in fear!"who could it be at this time??"...mom pareshaan..dad full charged to fight the war...door creaks open...i slowwwly look out...i find this bunch of lovely, colourful flowers at the door...turn to put them on the table...vids n sham...shout out happy birthday!!!!with (my) aquarium( about which i have no clue;-))...with a birthday cake...
that was cute indeed...man!arranged the aquarium...spoke to my fish...went to bed at around 1.30 or something...yippee!frnch class at 7!comme toujours!had quality fun!stayed back for a nice amount of time...spreadin the joy of eating (apparently yummm) chocolates!Areey!people just don't buy it man!please ...for god's sakes chocolates aaaaaaare aphrodisiacs!whatever!!
Got home..went to ann's...english dept par hamlaa...all are happy.I am happy!Sollllid 1 - 1 1/2 hrs tortured them with our(Shaista and I) matchless bitchings about contemporary students...my baseless hatred for "girls only" institutions,and many other exhausting topics.Then came home,again.
Lunched.This and that stuff took another easy hour or so.By 4.30 left to "cafe coffee day"...I hate that place.I wish i knew in words how to explain my hatred towards that "hip hang out spot"...but all the same .had to give in to friends' majboori and had to go.Tanvi,Niharika,Shaista,Divya...Almost perfect.Just Karina missing!anyway...she'll have her share when she is here in september!So..had fun there mainly because they played allll my favourite english songs!Man.Not many actually know all the songs that i like.So it had to be a co-incidence!dido-white flag.kevin lyttle-turn me on.norah jones-sunrise.bryan adams,sporty spice(mel.c??)-baby when you're gone.the wonders-you...and many more.wont bug you.it was like simply great to actually be listening to your most loved songs one after another!Added treat was the yummm brownies that niharika n tanvi(my friends cum french-tuition students!) got for me from labonel!heavenly!but i cudnt relish more than one, for people around couldn't keep their hands off the dabba!
Then went back home, yet again.Freashened up.Left to allianc at about 6.15 or so.Reached at 7.30 or so because of dabba traffic and improper road readings(by me,sadly!).Anyways, reached in time to prevent yd from yelling at me!Pretty good concert it was!I mean for amateur singer they did quite well!Enfin...we left at about 8.30.Tanvi,niharika n I went crazy in the car!Making up wierd jokes, getting really gross,(now that i am 18!) and basically "driving" bahadur( niharika's chauffer) nuts!Karina calls up then!narrated all what had happened until then to her!
Finally home!After a long long day!What did i do?Nothing concrete actually!But lots.I have learnt lots man!I mean,can't really tell what it is, but then i just feel a lot lot more...comment dire???..a lot more...human!may be im beginning to live.again.well..all that aside...yesterday was surely a day i will never ever ever forget.for all the revelations it has gifted me with.Ya!i know i shouldn't leave it at that coz it wudn't make that much sense to you, but then thats the whole point of self discovery,right?
Man!I cant wait for my next birthday!for all the attention and love that i get to bask in!

IT’S HERE!!!!!IT’S HERE!!!!!!

2005-08-18T11:15:00.000+05:30

Oh Gawd!! It’s always this way…I have been ballistic about my birthday for over a month now, pestering my “near and dear” ones, reminding them constantly about the number of days left, hammering them with my previous birthday bash experiences, literally dragging them to tears in the process…But most of my “kid” friends are so…I mean, they are worse. They don’t spare strangers also man! They suddenly flash that extra happy smile in bus stops at strangers giving them all kinds of doubts! They have pangs of “oh-my-god! It’s-my birthday-in-three-months”!!! or even worse, they start going hyper about a fellow “gang”ster’s birthday “much” in advance!
So, I kinda know how “sick” the feeling is, when a “kid” friend of yours is all worked up about throwing a bash! Last year- My “day” stunk! I mean it literally “STUNK”!!!The entire day went in the hope of something new and nice to happen…And yes,it remained a hope). Same old “many-many-happy-returns-of-the-day” (I almost dozed off every time a creature wished me that way!).Same old “so?? What plans in the evening??”…or even worse, “Treat kab hai??”…I mean how about a genuine wish and then expecting a “treat”??
Call me funny, call me weird, but for the past couple of years I have been keeping a track of how many people ‘actually’ wish a “happy” birthday to be in store for me. I mean eyes speak baap! You just can’t help but notice, how bland and sick some “wishes” are! …and that is so sad! Last year the count was -19 fellow students’ eyes spoke to me, about their genuine wish for a “happy” birthday! From more than 135 creatures in class! And outside class…most of them were true, Coz that leaves us with family and the other sidekicks, and their wishes mean more than the world to me!
All my “yippees” and “yahoos” and “Oh-my-gawd” days are over now, for this year. Coz its here! Its tomorrow! And I am so pareshaan! Man!! I don’t get even those 135 minus 19 fake wishes this year! And the rest tho waise bhi are always there! But I guess the few real real real true “happy birthday divya” s are much much much more valuable than the “wish you many more happy returns” (yawn!) …
But guess what! All my people are dimwits. They don’t believe in the existence of a word called “surprise”.(Huh?? What’s that??)Yeah! Really…I mean, Shaista has very religiously told me what is inside the very meticulously packed golden gift wrapper! Vidhya as usual will be ( I hope) giving me something from my tacit wish list! She and Sham( my cousin-kshamatha) I ( don’t) hear are planning on gifting me an aquarium…Surprise!! Man! How much more cuter can people get ya?? Hmm…so like that! Well…will have another post as to how my “day” this year went! Until then…if it’s some one else’s birthday around you, try reflecting some genuine wishes in your eyes! Or don’t wish at all! Coz that is how much it means to me at least!
yipppeeeeeeeee!!!!!!yeaaaaaa!!!!ohhh gawwwwwdddd!!!!!

SISTER ACT –TIMELESS

2005-08-14T03:35:00.000+05:30

Ever wondered what it is that most ‘young’ girls have in common with their male counter parts??....well..ahem…what I was getting to was the typical “have –fun-no-matter-what” kinda attitude!
And I guess my sister (older-3 years) is like the epitome of this kinda mindset! Man her versatility runs miles, from remixing lovely songs making then all the more “enjoyable”- to associating every human emotion to a musical piece; from commenting on every human she spots anywhere- to sporting the wildest (trust me ppl-WILDESSSST) facial expressions ever; from changing her laughter tune every week- to producing music from a sneeze or a cough!!!; from mouthing the mostest bizarrest expletives- to playing the perfect victim before even I decide how to hit her!;from being an excellent biker( hyderabadi traffic mein bhi she is zimbly zupper!)- to being the world’s noisiest and clumsiest typist; from playing the protective older sista- to the shaaNi 21 yr old!; from associating my laughter to the word “concoction”( even I wonder why!)- to having a dude to check out, on every floor of our maha apartment (and in the neighbouring ones as well!); from coming up with really really bitchy comments- to her prompt, truncated chants in front of god; from her invincible perfection at instantly irritating me- to her talent at searching for things that are right under her nose!; from her unforgivable art of ruining my clothes (most times, at least)- to her mélange of different
Languages to speak exactly what it is that is on her mind!.....
But what beats it all, is her angreji!man !i mean the angreji that she uses to “communicate” with me! Will help you out further…read on..

• See…no matter how many cuss words we use,it all comes in a very decent package .that is even if we make acronyms in English for cussing in telugu!
for example:
Nee P.K.( wow! sounds much better!)
Neeeeee……( and withdraw in submission!)
Nee B yEn kaadhu??(Ahem…sorry YD!)

• Then comes our description of “types” of things…
for example:
(for exciting or interesting things)
Katti types
Mast types
Sakkath types(a kannada word in the like sense)
Bomb types
(for disgusting or pissing things)
Nee yabba types
Dokku types
Dabba types
Naa bon*** types
Sutti type
Was(h)te types
• And then few of her most commonly used sentences that never fail to amuse me:
“Put me some curry no!!!”
“Mast it’ll be no??”
“Look at that girl, girl!!!”
“That much scene is not there lEmmaa!!!!”
“Off off the fan please!”
“Abba chaa!!I didn’t know lEmmaa!!!”
“Why girl you’ll tell like that??!!??”
(with such a disappointed and injured tone)
“You can do like thissaaaaa??”
( and this one comes every time she discovers her potential in making yet another hilllarious expression on her Capricorn face!)

• The best one was her instant tamil accent that popped up the other day!It was like this:
“ Aaageeee riiiight meeeein zarrra yek minit rokiyee Moin!”
( She was actually trying to direct our driver (who hasn’t been sacked out in 2months!!record time..the others don’t last a week !thanks to mom!) to stop in front of some store!And that too in such a thick Tamilian accent, it was so painfully hilarious that even our usually poker-faced chauffer had to smile ear-to-ear!
• And this time when she had to enlighten me about this new factoid about Hyderabad that she had learnt (from god-knows-where!).She went:
“You know- during the British rule- the whole of secunderabad- and mehdipatnam- was basically used- for military purposes only.”
(The whole fun was in her tone man!!!She reminded me so much of the funny funny news reader on Sun T.V., called Nirmala, who is popular for her incredibly weird way of saying “vannakkum”!)

But what makes her the “single piece” in the whole wide world is her unbeatable skill at classifying ‘guys’.We can be such bitches at times!But that’s the whole fun part of our life, for heavens sakes!So everytime we are out on out dokku bandi(our loyal kinetic Honda for 6 years!), royally ghooming around the hyderabadi streets, “checking out” people and places, this is how it goes. The two innocent partners in crime actually classify guys this way.A guy is:
EITHER OR
Dude Dud
Hunk Junk
Ooooh!! Booo!!
Yumm! Yuck!
Yo! Wow! No!

Our bitching is endless!!But the rest are restricted only to the two of us! So…If you are already wondering what kind of insane damsels we are! Brace up! There is more to this pandemonium! Mon, daddu and the two freakstars! Presenting to you the “Mental Family”!!Seriously, coz at times our house is nothing (really in no way) less than a super specialty asylum! One loony bin! Dad’s discourses on how disgracefully undisciplined his invaluable girls are;Mom’s unshakable interest in telling everything, from what happened at exactly 7.13 that morning to how the neighbour aunty ignored her concerned smile, to her sister(my ammi); vids’ above mentioned terrible (ab)normalcy; all the stupidly amusing things I have to say every time pakkinti Madhuri and Alekhya (two Scorpio sisters aged 5 & 3) come home to ask for some thinthapandhu or rondhu- moodhu tamaathaalu (yep! tomatoes it is!)
Swetha was home for a night stay some time back and she knows now what exactly we mean when we call ourselves the “mental family”! And that too when we had to rub off our otherwise “normal” behaviour patterns to adopt a rather refined insanity!!! Man! But I guess it is this shambolic discipline of life that keeps us going!hmm…while vids is all set to poof off to the U.S. for “further studies”, the rest of us will, in no way, let that affect our insanity!But im wondering if our crazy gaadi will pull on without its enjin!I hope she makes our Khandaan proud by spreading the seeds of mental disorder wherever she goes!Amen!

My Plea to “The Oblivious”…

2005-08-12T01:00:00.000+05:30

Stringed with a knot in my throat,
And with a bed of tears mute,
You sneak into my clustered mind,
With a luminous aura that makes me blind.

Caught am I in your dealings so,
I just can’t seem to go with the flow.
As the clouds of your thoughts bloom
I’m roped to you, and it makes me fume.

It’s the crossing time I await;
For I can offer no better bait,
But for the discomfiting love I’d rain,
In capricious joys and in comforting pains.

I wish you could stoop down to me,
To take a dekko and for yourself see,
That I could perhaps live up to you;
(En plus) a flower’s ‘complete’ with a tiny drop of dew!

What to do...I am that way!(and i aint changin it!)

2005-08-11T08:00:00.000+05:30

(coming clean with my best kept secret!)

I'm not very complex.Atleast i know so!There's just one key to help you with my innermost intentions.My best kept secrets, i mean.And that is...I am at my bitterest self, with the one's i love more than words can ever explain!!
I guess I'm postin this only because I know that "most" people I really live for, don't access my blog!And among the few who do check it out, there are those that already know this kutty truth!
I taunt when I am not understood; I speak really stinging words when i feel betrayed;I shout in the fear of being judged on my behaviour then;well...shouts are only for and with mom.But the most common method I adopt to hide my emotions, is resorting to taunts!WHY??I have no clue myself!May be because I expect the "taunted" to know me well enough to see the love behind the bitter words!
And on the other hand, I am very normal with those that have least value in my life!!I never feel insecure with them around coz I know there is no profound intentions there!Its how they say-"hi..bye frends!"...I never fumble or stutter.I am at my best self with the least important people ironically!
My brain begins to malfunction only when I am around the people I don't wanna lose!I end up thinking about what to say,how to put it,when to exactly tell it to them and all that, that I most often end up making a big fool of myself!
Another bizzzzzare vice of mine is that with the people that are ineffably dear to me, sarcasm is the only service i tend to offer(actually borrowed it from a statement tee!).But seriously, I try so hard not to let my unalloyed love for them surface,that i resort to sarcastic,biting comments!I am extremely curt at times.Well...to cut it short,I'm a total bitch with the one's I'd die for!
And boy!You don't even wanna know how maladroit I can get, when I'm around the ones I'd loved to be loved by(if you know what I mean!)I am a perfect paradigm of malpropism!I try really really hard not to fumble or make any silly mistakes that I end up doing exxxxactly that!I forget important details;I comment on the most piffling things;I laugh at the wrong time( not coz i don't listen to them,but perhaps because the structure of the sentence amused me??);I don not laugh when I am supposed to( just a slight smirk with a raised eyebrow mostly!);I have the dumbbbest of doubts;I come up with really really nasty and sick "jokes";I try and be as impersonal as I can get;I behave as rotten as I can possibly be;Basically I try my best to attract hatred and disgust!
I have no clue as to why it should be this way!But what I am very sure of is that I have allllways been successful at repelling the "most wanted"!
I donno how many of the ones that are supposed to read this are reading it!But the fact is that I don't want to change this vice of mine coz I believe that as long as the profundity of love remains,the means of expression and its presentation cannot change lots!!(or so i hope!)

I just realized…. “I’VE STOPPED LIVING”

2005-08-05T15:55:00.000+05:30

What life is this I’m leading?
With no place for fun and adventure,
No time for anything but for competing,
No room for even a sweet gesture.

Not until long ago was I a Winner,
Cheering my little world in mirth.
Suddenly, now, my vivacity has lost its shimmer,
For jollity, I presume, there’s a dearth.

I no longer play badminton my way,
Where there was no chance for me to lose.
I no longer can spend the entire day,
Chasing in the pond that black goose!

I no longer dictate rules to my gang,
When there’s a mystery to solve.
I no longer laugh at my mom’s pang,
As I realize the facts around which lives revolve.

I no longer hide after whacking the boy next door,
When his mother would come, ready to fight.
I no longer enjoy pencilling the floor,
for someone to blacken their feet white!

I no longer call out names and hide,
For my sister to get all the thrashing!
I no longer feed the dog, as in hunger it cried,
While my mom wondered about the cookies vanishing!

I no longer scare the naïve,
Telling them tales of a one eyed monster!
I no longer have a chance to connive,
As to how to kidnap the neighborhood rooster!

I no longer visit the temple,
Where we sang to the glory of God!
I no longer help people in ways simple,
Which would carry along a great applaud!

I no longer steal gooseberries from the garden,
That would leave the gardener all hyper!
I no longer go back and ask for pardon,
When we’d break the cranky old man’s wiper!

I no longer ‘live life’, I realize.
I barely exist as of now.
I wish I could go back to my childhood,
For, then I seem to have ‘rocked’ the world somehow!

THE COMM"UNION"

2005-08-01T08:06:00.000+05:30

The silence was deafening...
His eyes had caught
those of hers.
A battle he'd faught,for years,
was now won...
They felt stranded,
in the vanishing crowd...
Unarmed that they were,
thoughts began to stir,
as they felt the ground
underneath them retire...
The world ceased.
The sounds went mute.
The watchful eyes around,
for an instant went blind...
She felt a part of him,
run across to reach out,
to what is rightfully hers,
or so she loved to feel.
He too felt the spark,
of pain,that neat joy...
They united...
beyond sight,
beyond touch,
beyond words...
They smiled in assurance
to re-enter this land,
where they are but strangers,
strangers stitched in silence...
They lived in killing masks,
awaiting the crossing time;
for they know for sure,
It was a union,
beyond sight,
beyond touch,
beyond words...

Statements to ponder about!

2005-07-25T19:06:00.000+05:30

Man! After hours of thoughtful processing of ideas to write something different this time, I conclude upon the topic – pearls of inane wisdom…or something on like terms. I organize my thoughts and decide to jot them down after a while, coz then I was really harassed by “cute” thoughts. Anyways, that’s put aside and when I just opened Yd’s page she actually has a post (a new one) on the exact same stuff that I wanted to write about! Hello?? This kind of telepathy is very disturbing man! Chalo…I forgive the terribly similar frequency of our thought process and compromise on the copyrights of the topic. Sigh! Lemme take you to those pages of ma life (well…that’s a book that I maintain, called “my life”. not a journal, not a diary, not anything explicable!).well…so, “my life” has these pages which are dedicated to the “statements to ponder about”, which are the pearls of ultimate wisdom or sick dumb thoughts…(??) mouthed by people I know, or those that I just jot down as and when I see or hear them…so, here goes…

This one gets me any time…any damn time…
• “You can’t change the world. You just can’t.”
- Mme. Yechuri, one of the faculties at alliance francaise (my second home now!). I feel so strongly against it but then I don’t really know what to do…

• “You are too young to have an opinion!”
-This was uttered by one of my friend’s cousins who is 6 yrs older to her! How much more insecure can a man get?? And this was when they were all discussing modern day “actresses” and their “dashing” dress sense! I didn’t know this topic demanded an “only above 18 tags”!!

Nothing can ever beat this….
• “Neither you nor I have the time or the money for a relationship now.”
-A notorious guy from the merchant navy had said this to a friend of mine who anyway was the least interested in him…I won’t probe any further into this statement coz it speaks for itself!!!

Try this…
• “Money is a curse on man”
This I borrowed from a theatre play that I had recently seen! Thought it was a lot of sense at once and an exaggeration….

Boy…this one is still a question…I need help solving this one…
• “Men develop brains only when they have proved a failure in everything else!”
- This is from the book “the fountainhead” in which Ellsworth Toohey quotes this highly intriguing statement.

Hmm…this is my motto when it comes to making “good” friends…
• “Don’t ever make friends with a person whom, you think, you cannot take home with you”
-This one is by my mentor, Mrs.Prabhavathi. And sit to think of it, it is true. I would any day prefer someone worthy of taking home with me, than fret and fear.
This is too much!
• “Don’t ever spare anyone while you are being yourself”
God! My dad is just like me at times (yeah rite!)...Really...Both of us don’t speak a lot (ha-ha!) but when we do, we speak only sense!!!

Aaaah…there goes something mushy!
• “Understanding is friendship, Misunderstanding is romance!”
-This was said by a wise lady I know. I thought it was pretty interesting a concept. Although it’s not a fool-proof statement, it seems to induce some hope!

My friends are all not always dumb. They can talk sense too (at times).
• “Learn to be strong if you need friends”
-Hemanjani, one of my Piscean friends said this to me one day when I wept over something at college! Now when I sit to think about it, it sounds so true, I need to be strong if I need to have my friends around!

I really need to know if all guys think this way…
• “Decent is boring. A little less decent is interesting!”
-It doesn’t matter who said this so long as you know its one of my buddies (guy buddy). It is a rather thoughtful theory, I must say! And this measures of decency here is about decency in clothing (yes…women’s clothing)

Hmm…loads n loads of others in “my life”, but then it is not really nice to let it out for all right! Anyway…That was a part of a really interesting section of “my life”…I wish I could claim my actual life had something as interesting to offer!!!

Pain or pleasure??

2005-07-24T08:50:00.000+05:30

The Wounds of yesterday may heal;
The rage of then may soothe;
The misery may fade;
The agony may hide…
But it stays on….
It stays on …
To remind you,
Of the painful days to behind,
This pleasant today;
To remind you,
That the sorrow is still felt…
Sorrow, for not having done,
what should have been,
to have avoided that had happened….
Sorrow, for not having said,
words that could communicate,
much better than the actions…
Sorrow for not having understood
that the despair was mutual
and so was the pain…
Sorrow for not having known
that the worst could happen
to the best of intentions too…
Sorrow it was but a pleasant one,
For today I stand enlightened,
that no matter what,
with you there for me,
I can conquer the world…

OBJECTION-OBSESSION

2005-07-23T10:45:00.000+05:30

The other day, in an auto, as I was traveling,
I came across a doggy that was quivering and trembling.
It reminded me of my doogie which is now lost,
The poor little doggy, whose life held no cost.
I had tears for it which didn’t dare to drop.
I had time for it but I didn’t care to stop.
I sat right in there, not knowing what to do.
Everyone ignored it, I wondered if I should too…
But a dose of guilt just ran through me,
For, I could have stopped and helped the doggy.
But I didn’t stop. I don’t know why…
‘cause of pride or fear or because I was shy,
shy to face the world that couldn’t care less,
about the pathetic li’l doggy, whom god forgot to bless…
I just hope never to come across another,
Pathetic li’l doggy coz I know I wouldn’t bother,
To stop by to show some love and affection,
For I’m way to obsessed about the world’s objection!

MY SHORT LIVED ENCOUNTER WITH YOU-DEATH!

2005-07-18T06:02:00.000+05:30

Then,I hardly knew
'nything about your might.
A mere solution were you,
to resolve that torturous night...

My tiny hands were held,
by her protective grip.
Another pair of innocent hands,
ran around her hip.

I knew not why or what or when,
coz i really didn't care!
Foe i was a chick,following my hen,
exited to be going "there"...

It began when?-i donno,
for thats not really certain.
But it was plural,not 'one' day,
and this was expected to happen.

he was lost,was needing aid,
but luck was smiling not.
She too tried,cried and prayed,
in the hope of changing life's plot.

Then came the time,"the" actual time,
when she had had enough.
But he was sure he was almost there,
coz times were getting less rough.

He was chancing on luck encore,
even as she negated.
But he knew that 'this' was for sure,
and that didn't leave her elated.

She thumped her way across the hall,
to grab my tiny wrist,
and then she didn't forget to call
the name of the child born first.

We marched in such funeral silence,
to you in need of "peace".
But you filled in us thoughts so intense,
all we could do was freeze.

At your threshold,stranded we stood,
thinking if you were worth it.
Feckless souls knew not they should,
have enough courage to reflect.

Flashes of the past were screened to us,
and pondering we stood-dumb found.
with two bright futures with her there,
she came crashing to the ground.

She wept and wept until he came,
as we still wore no tears.
There was guilt and tangible shame,
with an alarming count of fears.

They spoke a tongue,i gathered not,
but i could grasp this bit;that-
they had resolved as to why they'd fought,
all thanks to your nasty wit!

The two then cried for reasons lots,
with a silence that spoke pages.
you funnelled in them such horrid thoughts,
thoughts they wouldn't lose in ages!

[It was your fear
that broght them so near.
you made `em realise,
if you sit to analise,
there aint no predicament,
that's worth an interment.
Why embrace you before turn?
Coz ur the ultimate...yes,i now learn!]

They've moved on from then on,
and so has our life...
But your fear still haunts me,
coz the truth is someday,you'll hug me-again.

GEMINI MIRAGE

2005-07-14T09:57:00.000+05:30

Oh! A mere mirage it was, I knew,
But indulge in it, I did.
Perhaps to get a feel of it…
or to know if I was worth it…

For years its form I admired;
Its dazzling aura, I felt;
Knowing all through that it’s beyond reach,
The very nearness of it, I enjoyed.

To somehow reach it I tried,
And in it a failure I had been,
Longing to discover it I was
Living a fool’s life I understood.

Yet, its magic was undeniable,
Smitten by its charm, closer I approached;
Only to know that, true, I was at first-for
The dazzling being was gone…

For miles and hours I walked;
For the dazzling being I searched;
Just then the reality I faced-
Oh! It was a mirage that I chased.

In spite of knowing the truth, I chose
to live in a dream for a while.
Just because I felt so, I thought I was close;
But it was an endless mile.

Now, I know, what mirages can do,
by their dazzling and dubious charm.
I’d lost in its game and in my own too,
But now it can cause me no harm…

COMPLACENCY- DELETED!

2005-07-13T10:29:00.000+05:30

Feels like I’m just a living Zilch,
After having realized what I really am;
It took me seventeen years to flinch,
From the truth that was always in hand.

I have for so long been taking pride,
In all of my piffling achievements;
It’s just now that I notice the void,
As I sit to consolidate the fragments.

I can’t help but ask myself,
“How could I have been so myopic?”
As if that weren’t quite enough,
I admit I’ve also been lethargic.

I’ve only seen how far I’ve gotten through,
In climbing the ladder of life-uncanny.
I sought solace by looking at those
Ahead of whom I’d gotten, Oh! Were they many!

Oh! How I wish life was more perspicuous!
For then it would not have been this hard,
To accept that my life (yes) is ridiculous,
I would at least have been on guard!

Now, I’m left to swim ashore,
across the ocean of self-discovery.
Complacency is something I can have no more,
if I resolve to win my destiny.

Oh boy! Was it a revelation!
A waking call that shattered me.
It only proved wrong my presumption,
That I was happy just being me!

PAINFUL PAATRAMS!!!

2005-07-11T11:21:00.000+05:30

Oh! Does it sound perfect or what! It’s raining cats and dogs outside. I sit cuddled up in the ever so cozy sofa in hall, with a hot cuppa coffee by the side, ripping off bhutta with my pepsodent teeth, with one of Robert Fulghum’s best sellers…..
This is exactly what I was thinking of by the end of two whole hours of dish washing, with yet another lorry full of dishes to be washed!i was decked up in a thick cotton tee over which hugging me was one of dad’s polka dotted shirt(from the 80’s!), the thickest track pants I could find, a pair of socks, a bandana to cover my hair, and ofcourse my ghar ke chappal.
After meeting Yd in the evening, I came home and straight away started the job thinking I’ll spend I nice time with daddu (‘d’ as in dum maro dum) as it was only the two of us at home. Tuls (my ma) and vids in train coming back from Chennai. The costume was cold proof and the music on vh1 also kind of pepped me up! well….i washed each paatram (vessel in tamizh) with so much care and patience like it was the only vessel to be washed. But after a while I felt like I was doing it for a couple of hundreds of years. I convinced myself that it was because I had been standing in the same place for nearly an hour and so I granted myself a 5 minute break. I switched the computer on to find the internet not connected. I called “video ganga” and he sweetly said he’ll be there in five minutes. The known bakra that I am, I nodded and hung up to join hands with my scrubber.
While scrubbing and rinsing and fetching water from the balcony I thought of many nice things to stop myself from breaking down. I thought of the four yummmm men of Il Divo which made me hum Toni Braxton’s Unbreak my heart;I thought of sister’s idiosyncratic expletives-explosion in the terrorizing Hyderabadi traffic which takes me to all those instances when she would YELL out of her Rs.250 ka helmet something like, “oreeeiiii….neee yabbaa” to the dumb pedestrian oblivious to the road and to the fact that our bike’s breaks aren’t really reliable…and the day when we were on our way to mehdipatnam, the panic attack that she had when this scooter wallah right in front of us was driving at a speed of say 3 km/hr or so that made her scream “ scooter uncle MOOOOVE…fat aunty get off that scooter”well that was because the pillion rider (scooter aunty) was rather …ahem.. bonny?? Yeah “bonny”; I thought of how my mother blushes every time she was told she looked Sexy when asked if she looked good enough or not! I thought of how my civic’s sir used to pronounce love as lauuu…..and how we’d all prolong the ‘uuu” for another few seconds; I thought of how Ryan and I danced in front of the whole school, when I was Cinderella and he was my prince way back in third grade; The very thought of Cinderella brings a whirlpool of emotions into me reminding me of the pile of mess I had put mself into, by then!
Having gotten frustrated again I called and properly barked at he cable net guy for his indifference and irresponsibility and what not. Sigh…much better! Get back to work now!hmmm… man. I couldn’t stop thinking of Rani’s level of patience and stamina. Rani’s our petite ex-maid. My direct senior! That kutti taurean maid of ours had another 7-8 houses to her client list! I was so sick by then I thought I’d throw away the rest of the paatrams and tell my mother that our house was robbed that morning. But then I realized tuls was way to shaani to buy that coz I knew that she’d go, “no chor would be so dumb as to seal vessels that can take on only one adjective-obsolete”.
I sure considered the possibility of my house being haunted coz I felt strongly that there was someone who kept on adding more and more paatram in the unwashed pile. My pretty,cute, stubby fingers were being tortured beyond words. I was glad mom wasn’t home coz otherwise she would have definitely taunted me saying, “That’s why I say-‘kannu paattha, kayyi vela pannanum’.” (If eyes see, hands should work!! meaning-do it as and when you spot it). I knew what dad was going to come up with when I saw him enter the kitchen reluctantly! He started his disciplinarian discourse and I concluded it for him without his having to say, “ shuru madidha daasayya shankhka oodlikke!” …meaning-there goes daasayya with his shankhkha …to suggest something like crying in the wilderness!
With a kannadiga father and tamilian ma, you could get one helluva time trying to speak both ending up speaking tammada. I shoo away daddu in whatever language it is and curse my stars for this unfortunate day. I reminisced the previous day when daddu and I were having a blast watching baatliwallah. I was surprised he liked it coz he’s usually anti-sitcoms and all the related types of shows. I went on washing for another 397 years (or so it felt)!

“Chill!! The World doesn’t come to an end!!!

2005-07-09T02:20:00.000+05:30

Scene 1: In the college, while making charts for the freshers’ day, about a dozen of us were in the hall with all the craft materials cutting, pasting, and having a blast. A sticky, slimy pot full of mucky yellow glue descended all the way from the table top to land with a plop on Soheli’s new sequined kurti!!! This is what follows:

Swe (with her usual sardonic concern!) : “What’s this entire hullabaloo for???”
Soheli: “It’s my first anniversary gift and this is the first time I’m wearing it!
Swe: “Anniversary! Of what??”
Soheli: “of our love!!! He gifted it to me just last week and now it’s ruined!!”
Swe: “halloo??? Strike this with a hammer! The world doesn’t come to an end!!!”
We were startled at her bluntness! Swetha’s always very straight. But there are some things that need to be sugarcoated (although Swe doesn’t agree!)!Anyway, the drama terminated there and the day went on to give birth to several months.

Scene 2: I’m at home as usual, wondering. And I couldn’t help but be handcuffed with the truth that Swe was right then! True enough! The world did not end at that…It won’t when you flunk unexpectedly; it won’t when a slimy, healthy, black, spotted, hyper active lizard falls on you; it won’t when any of our trusted sidekicks plays the Judas; it won’t when you’re filled with compunction after having killed the annoying, juicy mosquito sucking your precious blood… it won’t until it has to!
I thought my world would end the day I had to leave Hosur to settle in Hyderabad. The memories, the irreplaceable buddies, the dear childhood sweethearts, and the terrorizing pranks we’d play on others…But I’ve lived through it all and eight years have gone by without much pain.
I thought so when we gave doogie away. He didn’t belong to my species, yes. But he was indeed a piece of my soul. He had THE most comforting eyes and was an incorrigible brat! I missed him for years then on and I still do. But the world lived on and so did I!
I felt my world was shrinking when swe left to the US. My alter-ego was ripping apart, miles apart. I wondered if I’d ever find a close substitute to my Libra-Scorpio journal! I cried. I wondered. I survived. And I still am, well aware of the fact that, I will until “then”.
Are these the ways of life? Or are these symptoms of an irreparably ego-centric maniac? Am I so self absorbed that, now, no matter what, I’ve tuned myself to go on, to adjust, to exist?? Is it a sign of self-alienation?? Is it an indication of a dramatically lonely “end”? I hope not, coz loneliness, I can’t fight…
But if I keep getting accustomed to the way things change, one day I’ll end up having nothing, no one! No shoulder to cry on; No one to slap while laughing heartily; No one to run to for advice; No one to enjoy the communicative silence with; no one to shoot thoughts at;
No one to criticize; No one to pat my back in appreciation; No one to live with; No one to live for…
Not like any of these matters, coz, the world doesn’t come to an end anyway!!!

MY SIDE OF "THE STORY"

2005-07-08T13:05:00.000+05:30

I’m no ‘Theologist’ to be certain,
Nor am I an Atheist to protest,
I’m no follower to believe, in
Something that’s worshipped by the rest.

I’m called names by a few,
for questioning their belief.
But I still don’t have a clue,
As they mum me with retorts brief.

I wonder which Theos insists,
On a warfare in His name!
I’m equally awed by the Nihilists,
Who rule out Religion from the game.

I spend hours trying to fathom,
The reason we garland an idol.
The testimonies are always a welcome,
But to bolster them is another hurdle.

I ponder if all this can be justified;
Either ways, I wouldn’t be affected.
Just that the World’s peace would be fortified,
‘ If ’ with religion we weren’t so connected.

I see no point in vaguely sermonizing,
When we’re so closely related to malice,
Preaching, praying and trusting.
With a heart that’s nothing but callous!

I’m glad I’ve turned Agnostic,
For I have no need to pretend.
But don’t you rate this as rhetoric,
For that’s not what I intend!

For me, my conscience is ‘The Almighty’,
It is all that I revere,
It is all that I regard as ‘The Deity’,
It is the only part of me I fear.

No ‘heavenly body’ do I follow.
No ‘verbose theories’ I preach.
No ‘bread in wine’ do I swallow.
No ‘wishes or grants’ I beseech.

I search no God in the debris.
I kill no one for His cause.
I totally live by my nous,
For that’s my God and my Boss!

COMPLEXITY- THY NAME IS HUMAN

2005-07-07T16:09:00.000+05:30

After an eternal five second pause, I reacted, “ummmm…. ohhh!!! Well…. hmmm (with a giggle)...Ok???!!! ” and to avoid any sudden outburst of my boisterous laughter, I swam to the other end with a never before speed and called out for the coach myself! Trust me; hearing “those” words from “her” at “that” time was ineffably hillllarious!!! Days have passed by since then, but those words keep ringing in my ears to bring a smile on my face, n’importe quand!
“Sorry, I don’t talk to guys” were the six magical words that Miss. Humungous eyes with short-stubby lashes had uttered to me that summer afternoon. What happened then was that, one of the rather new swimmers was kind of struggling in the deeper end of the pool and the coach was called for. I gestured “the loved one” (to be translated) to call out for the coach as she was closest to him. It was then that I heard these words of ultimate feminism! I was baffled beyond words!
I have wondered about the possibility of the existence of such a creature ever since. Have the young girls today reached such a state of independence that they can do without even talking to their male counterparts? The statement also forced me to consider her “preferences”. Yet, I couldn’t come up with anything strong enough to support her decision of not “talking” to guys! Well, it could be some incident that had forced her to embrace this extreme display of feminism, but I know her too well to believe that! Her friends were too loud and obnoxious for me to believe that she was being “pious”. I wondered if she had a brother. I thought about her social life (assuming she had one!).I even wondered about her “will power”, because I strongly believe in the saying that it takes more effort to ignore a person! What about her cousins?

“Sorry, I don’t talk to guys”
Was the emphasis on “I” in that sentence to suggest that it is supposed to be the guy who should make the first move? But the situation then in the pool was crucial and she couldn’t wait for the coach to ask her what had happened! Was the emphasis on “talk” to suggest that she was a woman of “action” and not of words! But this assumption failed too, as it did not fit the situation! Was the emphasis on “guys” suggesting her inclination towards “older men”, or perhaps “something or some one else”! Well, whatever she meant, she sure has left me with a source of wonder and a source so profound that I can spend hours on this subject!
I travel the entire universe with this single statement. One thought leads to another and, thus, very soon, I find myself amidst a million inexplicable realities. I think of man’s wants, desires, “temptations”, his preposterous decisions, his absurdities, his blind sight, his narrow mindedness, his limitations, his restricted thought process, his myopic view points, his masked face, his flawed image, his social obligations, his boot-licking bond with the society, his obstreperous calm, his dubious beliefs, his passion for the wrong, his unawareness of the right, his quest for evanescence, his irregularities, his aversion to facts, and what not.
May be her innocent sentence just played the trick on me! Or may be I am culpable of thinking too much (like I am told most often)! May be each of us have our own profound sources of entering into the jungle of “wonder”. Well…I just need an excuse to enter the Oh-so-inviting jungle, and the only thing I end up with at the end of each trip is this truth: “human brain is beyond human comprehension”. And I have to drop it at that for my mother invariably calls me by then, for it is a long and brain racking journey way back home!

TRUST ME WHEN I SAY:"TRUST ME NOT".

2005-07-06T21:59:00.000+05:30

TRUST ME NOT...
for I can believe
words you never said,
and turn into a foe,
you'll forever dread.

TRUST ME NOT...
for I may prefer
my own obligations
over those of yours
without a wee hesitation.

TRUST ME NOT
for I can decieve
when you least expect,
and only you're at blame,
couse never once did you suspect!

TRUST ME NOT...
for I may behave
like you are adored;
but you have to get it:
"you are actually abhored!"

TRUST ME NOT...
for I may give my word
and choose not to stand by it!
Alas!!!you bear the brunt
cause you chose to buy it!

TRUST ME NOT...
for I'm "independant";
its always I, me, myself!
if you were any wiser,
you'd learn to trust yourself!

TRUST ME NOT...
for I too am human!!!
Its for you to learn
that nothing about me
can ever be certain!

NO..I'm not a cynic...atleast not as yet!But this is something I had written during my short lived attempt at being "empathetic".I put myself in the shoes of most peole I have come across and this is like the justifications given by them to me...so,its not me as in my own shoes that has written this...it is the ever so empathetic Divya...!!!

ANYTHING FOR IMMORTALITY!

2005-07-03T16:13:00.000+05:30

Is there any way,
I can know how long I’ll live?
Perhaps a bureau of some kind,
where such details they’ll give?

I know not anybody, who can
help me with this thing!
Perhaps an angel, or a wise man,
Or a witch with a magic ring!

I dream to live for eternity,
Yet,I just need to confirm…
About how long is it exactly,
On this earth, my life’s term?

I’d love to ask the crystal ball,
To help me out in this!
Or implore the mirror on the wall
Or even a frog I’d kiss!!!

ALWAYS BITTEN,NEVER SHY!

2005-06-29T13:23:00.000+05:30

I blame not you of making me so servile as I am,
I take no pride in seeing now where I really stand.

I’d seen you once and that was where I had gotten to know,
That, there was, in you, something for me; something huge in store.

I dreamt and thought and hoped and felt, “someday I’ll get to know,
What it is that was in store”, didn’t expect this big a blow!

I never really wished for you in the ‘obvious way’,
But yes I did wish for a lot, a lot more that I can say!

How could I let a stranger like you monopolize my thoughts?
How was it that I was so blind? cause the truth I never sought…

How could I have let you rule my mood, my smile, and my dreams??
How could I have never stopped? Incredible to me now it seems!

I don’t really know if I was dumb to have fallen for you so,
Or was it your presence and orotund tone that made me a starry-eyed doe?

There aint no one else for whom I have been so faithful and Fidel.
But all of my hopes and wishes and dreams, have shown me the gates of hell!

Why is it me who’s always to see the best and brightest star?
And why is it so that invariably it’s always immeasurably far???

Stories of the soul!

2005-05-25T19:16:00.000+05:30

Every soul has a story to tell,

As idyllic as heaven,
or as disturbing as hell.
Every soul has a story to tell.

An undying passion for an unreachable goal,
or an agonizing saga involving a belle,
Every soul has a story to tell.

An indelible wound seeking the ultimate war,
or a secret wish to live by the dell,
Every soul has a story to tell.

An eternal fight for a senseless cause,
or a non chalant life to live au naturel,
Every soul has a story to tell.

A languid tale with no purpose of life,
An exuberant sequence of events so swell,
Every soul has a story to tell.

A fantasy world where in one prefers to live,
the practicality where in one needs to dwell,
Every soul has a story to tell.

An interesting history with a soporific present,
A prolonged bliss where sadness lasts for a spell,
Every soul has a story to tell.

Every soul has a story to tell.
Each one so unique but somewhere quite similar as well!
Every soul has a story to tell...